Behind Enemy Lines

Christmas is always a difficult holiday.  It involves family.  The stress of a holiday and family together often brings out the worst in people.  It's worse if you're divorced.

My Ex and I have always had a gentlemen's agreement when it comes to Christmas.  We try and make sure that each year one of us has breakfast and lunch with the kidlets and the other late afternoon and dinner.  There's always arguments.

Both sides of the family end up unhappy.  Each family feels hard done by.  Each family feels the other gets the better deal.  Each family thinks the other parent is the "grinch who stole Christmas" from them.

I'm here to say otherwise.  As a person - one of the values I hold highest is family.  Therefore I couldn't hurt my childrens "other" family.  I wouldn't be able to live with myself if my motive was to hurt them, because by hurting them -  I hurt my kids.  I didn't suffer through 9 months of morning sickness and truly horrendous labours to inflict pain on to my kids.

Each family involved in this Christmas dispute has their own perspective.  One side believes the other is hardly involved in the kids life so don't deserve them on this special holiday.  One side believes the kids are monopolised by the other side and therefore never get a look in.

I'm stuck in the middle.  I believe my kids should be able to see both sides of the family.  I believe it takes cooperation and understanding.  I believe clear enough communication early on means it's possible to keep everyone happy.  Unfortunately not everyone shares this view.  And this is when avoidable situations and arguments occur.

The reality is that divorce is painful. The reality is that no person is evil. The reality is that everyone at some stage misses out on important stuff that a "traditional, nuclear" family probably don't miss out on.

The reality is that a divorced family and the extended families involved will never be "complete".  It sucks.  It sucks most of all for the kids who love everybody and shouldn't be shamed or guilted into feeling that one side of the family is better than the other.

The worst part in all this drama is that it's so far from the spirit of Christmas that this time of year does nothing for me except cause extreme anxiety and heartache.  What was once my favourite holiday in the whole world  is now something ugly and spiteful laced with emotional manipulation and name calling.  I now just long for Christmas to be over so it can be put behind me.

I hope to god that the anxiety and heartache I feel is well hidden from my kidlets, because I want them to enjoy this day.  I want them to grow up with same sense of excitement and wonder I always felt - even as an adult.  It's been 7 years since I've enjoyed Christmas and I hope to one day enjoy it again.

I'd like to feel "peace on earth and mercy mild",  with "God and sinners reconciled".

So this Christmas, please, remember to be grateful for your family - no matter how erratic, hare-brained, annoying, loud, patronising or obnoxious they may be.  Because - trust me - you don't want to be dealing with your ex-family, arguing over who gets to spend Christmas with the kids.

You can't always get what you want...

And maybe, just maybe that's a good thing.

I'm watching the women around me fall one by one.  I wish I could say falling in love but I can't.  I'm watching their descent into madness.  They are all turning into modern day Ophelia's due to their particular Hamlet's torture.

It's particularly frustrating because they're all intelligent women. But it seems the moment Hamlet turns up spouting To Be Or Not To Be (in a relationship) they all start acting like Helena Bonham-Carter at her most crazy.

Why is this question so hard?  Why does it drive women to the brink? Why do men seem to find the question so difficult?  Surely you either do want to be in one or you don't.  If you do, tell the girl. If you don't, tell the girl.  Trust me.  We can handle that.  It's the dithering back and forth that turns us into over-analytical lunatics.  All we want to know is are you in or out?  It's not difficult at all.

Why are men so scared to say the truth?  I know, from personal experience, that hearing "I don't know what I want" was harder than learning the truth.  Actually, I never heard the truth.  I got tired of what "I don't know what I want" was doing to me.  So after months of hearing that -  I made the decision to end things.  It was hard, there were tears.  But I stood in front of the man I (at that point) still loved and said THIS. IS OVER. I did it because I wanted my sanity back. I wanted my self-respect back.  I wanted me back.

I'm watching three women in my life, all dating "nice" guys.  I've met them.  They're charming. They're intelligent.  They're employed.  They're ambitious. They're fun to be around.  But all of them are running scared and the women are going crazy trying to guess the truth.  I'm currently involved in three separate discussions all titled "What do you think he meant when he said...."

Now I'm not saying the women are right and the men are wrong.  I'm just saying I don't understand the game. To me hearing "I don't know" from a man means "I don't know how to tell you I don't want to be in a relationship but I'm scared you'll make a scene if I say so".

I do know this.  I'm not wasting time on any "I don't knows" because I do know what I want and I intend to have it.  A happy life.

When the dream is over...

I'm a divorced single parent.  It's safe to say I've had a few dreams about my life that have been dashed against the rocks of life.  But it's not the end of dreaming.  It's just that the dream changes.

I've a younger friend.  She's in her early 20s.  She's recently hit an age when she realised the dreams that she had as a teenager for her life, may not be possible.

Remember what it's like to be a teenager?  So assured that by 20 you'll have this career, by 25 you'll have that love life, by 30 you'll be financially secure, life will be firmly established and you'll be living the dream.  I remember being that teenager.  I was going to be a writer.  I was going to be living in California and writing amazing novels that flew off the shelves and straight onto the best seller lists.  I was going to be alone, certainly not married, but dating a never ending stream of men who were as fascinated by me as I was by them, but never, ever, tied down.

Fast forward to age 20 and I was a filing clerk for an accounting firm.  Fast forward to 25 I was married and sitting on the couch on the weekends.  Fast forward to 30 I'm a dumbstruck, sleep deprived parent. Fast forward to 35 I'm a divorced single parent with a mattress, some clothes and a pointless wedding ring to my name and thinking HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?

It wasn't until my marriage ended and I was left with nothing to my name, not a single asset and only the clothes on my back that I was forced out of my stupor and actually started to think about what dreams I had for myself and how I could now achieve them, alone, responsible for two kids and with a nary a penny to call my own.  Well, colour me stupid, but I've always responded best with my back to the wall and the world screaming "You Can't Do That".  One year later, I was back at school stuyding film/tv/radio/multi-media, producing an amateur film, working on local tv as a film reviewer, 20 kilos lighter and loving my crazy, new life.

But one thing I did realise was that even though I did kinda get to where I wanted to get with my new dream, my old dream was over.  My friend however, can still give it a shot.  She's single, not tied down, has supportive parents and supportive friends.  She had big ol' knock down, cry your eyes out vent to me.  How on earth could she be 26 and not be where she expected to be?  How could she still be working part-time and only able to achieve her acting ambitions on the amateur theatre stage?  When did it stall?  When did it falter?  How is she still where she was, when she was 20?

I told her I had the same meltdown moment.  With one glaring difference.  I was 35 and had two kids in tow. I had to change my dream to be able to live it.  She can still get there.  Now it's just up to her to grab it with both hands and don't let the fear take hold.

The upshot is at the end of the meltdown and with a renewed sense of purpose, she and I are going to put our heads together and create our little piece of something special. Hey, maybe it will never be anything other than a document on the computer somewhere.  Maybe it will just be a writing pad with scribbled ideas of the newly excited - but we're both excited about being excited about our lives.

The joy of dreams is - they are just that.  Ever changing, ever evolving, exciting thoughts for our future with an occasional underwear clad talking goat.  I'm so  glad that my old dream died.  I got in the way of my dream, I got in the way of my life for a little while (yep, you read that right, life did not get in my way...let's get that straight!).  But in the end, it was a blessing, because I had to know myself, before I could know what dream was right for me.  Now that I do - I just have to make it happen.  And I'm just the sort of stubborn, arrogant, know it all, organiser from hell who can get it done.

Fabulous is as fabulous does

So I'm invited (luckily and thankfully - I'm not complaining) to a lot of do's where everyone is married, or at the very least "coupled up".  Recently at a party hosted by friends by SHE and HE, I walked into the room and immediately realised there were three separate parties happening in one place. 

HIS in one corner, HERS in the other and THEIRS near the bar and never the twain shall meet.  The thing is, having known HER for over 20 years and HIM for at least 10, I knew everyone in the room. I had that moment when I realised the great thing about being ONE (instead of DUO/TWO/COUPLE) was the fact that I could talk to HIS, HERS and THEIRS without incurring the wrath of any significant OTHER.  Now not all OTHERS are wrathful, but having been a TWO once upon a time, I am aware that more often than not at the end of a social event, there are words to be had, problems to be solved, apologies to be made and all over, what seems to me, the art of being social.

I honestly believe at the end of this particular event, I had the most fun out of all the attendees.

 You see HERS congregated together, the husbands hovering close so as not to incur the wrath of wives later on, the wives forming a close knit circle of "keep away from us" (really meaning keep away from my man).  HIS were mainly blokes who stood around talking footy, drinking beer and telling off jokes and THEIRS in yet another circle talking THEIR hobbies (insert every bad renovation story you've ever had the misfortune to listen to).

Now, because I'm unattached and have been invited to functions of just HERS and because I like sport and beer I often hang around HIS and because I'm a great friend I get invited to tag along with THEIRS, I'm friends with everybody and realise this is all because I'm SINGLE.  This phenonmenon wouldn't have occured had I been COUPLED.

I got to catch up with HERS and talk school/kids/jobs.  I got to laugh at funny jokes and talk footy with HIS.  I got to share political views and talk a variety of subjects with THEIR (once I steered the conversation away from renovations).  I can honestly say that at the end of the night, I had mingled the most, made new friends and had the best time out of all the people there, with no post party recriminations from an angry/ignored/insecure partner.

I also had the line most single people...no scratch that...single women hear whenever they are out: "But you're so FABULOUS...how can you be single?"  Well, the answer is simple.  As a single women, I am, in some ways, forced constantly out of my comfort zone (please note not all single women do this) and go to different venues, explore new options, create new experiences, have a wide circle of friends and generally get out of the house a lot.  I've noticed (and yes to a degree I generalise) that when coupled up, the tendency is to become insular, close the circle of friends, stick to safe activities designed to avoid arguments in the car later on and get super, nice and comfy in a predictable routine (not that there's anything wrong with that). 

I just wish COUPLES would realise when they say "but you're so fabulous" that in a way it's like them saying "you can only be fabulous if you're in a couple and we're amazed you're not one of us".  I have to be honest, with the exception of a few of my COUPLED friends, most COUPLES I meet are fairly predictable because they hit the comfort zone and stay there.  But the single people I meet? Well aside from one or two, most of the ones I've met are truly amazing.  They are out chasing dreams, goals, broadening horizons, travelling, open to trying new things and ready to go with the flow.  They have a variety of interests, hobbies that extend beyond their kids, their renovations and the latest dvd they watched.  Granted this is often because they haven't found the one that will keep them on the couch watching a DVD they spent 20 minutes arguing over...oops I mean choosing.  It can be too easy to fall into a safe routine that keeps everyone from arguing.

This has recently happened to another friend of mine who is in the throws of a relatively recent relationship.  She doesn't go out much anymore, they tend to only see the friends both of them like, watch safe movies and occasionally go out to dinner with other couples.  This is because they fight if they go out.  She has told me this.  If they go to a pub he gets in trouble for checking out the pretty young things in short dresses. However it's okay for her to look at the male pretty young things because that's not sexist.  They don't hang around her single friends because he ignores her in an effort to get along with her friends.  They don't hang out with his single friends, because they are beer drinking pigs and he changes when he's around them.  He doesn't like her movie choices, she doesn't like the footy club.  He doesn't like a couple of her girlfriends, she doesn't like the couples that were friends with his ex-wife.  They are all boring housewives according to her (never mind she's slowly morphing into this as we speak).  Now there's nothing wrong with becoming that if that's your choice - but don't whine to me about how boring these women are while turning into one.

Now I'm not anti-marriage/happy couples, nor am I ragingly pro-single.  I do have a couple of issues though.  Why do a lot of single people who push boundaries, get out of comfort zones, who live life to the full decide it's okay to give this away the moment a romance becomes a priority?  Why can't you combine both?  Why can't you live an exciting life and be happily ensconced with the one you love?  I don't see why this needs to be mutually exclusive.  Isn't the reason you fell in love with the other person in the first place because of all the things they did/do/enjoy?  At exactly which point does the fabulously interesting person become a threat to a couples happiness?  Why does it become okay to settle for less than amazing?  Why are there arguments over all the great things that attracted you in the first place?  I've been single long enough to know that I will struggle with any person who will want me to quit the things I love, and stop being the person I've become in order for them to be comfortable on the couch.  I need someone who's going to be excited about coming on the journey I'm on.  I know I'm going to be excited about being their travel partner on their journey.

So please, remember, you're not fabulous because you're married or single.  Fabulous is as fabulous does.

Secret Diary of a Nun

 I'm going to completely over-share. I haven't had sex in three years. I think my hymen is growing back.  This is not for lack of trying, let me add.  But neither am I a slut.  I'm a 40 year old divorcee who had her heart ripped to shreds.  Every time a man shows the slightest interest in me, I run.  I then go home and berate myself because I can't run for shit.  If I try to run across the road to where my car is parked, I  have to stop to catch my breath.  If I run to go to the loo, I wind up doing that weird walk any woman who's had kids knows only too well.  If  I  run to the shops, I break into a sweat.  But at running AWAY from men, I'm a marathon sprinter.  Yes I know technically it's one or other but you get my drift, right?

Friends tells me I am a vital, sexy, confident woman and if I want to have meaningless sex with someone, then no one gets to judge me.   But you know what?  Here's the awful truth. I don't want meaningless sex.  I want meaningful sex.  I want the whole shebang.  I want the kisses that make my heart and soul race - not just my libido.  I want that moment of comfort and trust when I take off my clothes and present my absolutely not top model body to the man I'm with and still see desire in his eyes. How very old fashioned and buttoned up of me.

ROCKMEHARDPLACE: because I'm a passionate woman and I really miss physical intimacy. But I need a boyfriend first and apparently there's no stock available.  I'm doing all the right things.  I get out among the people.  I'm fun, easy going and I'm myself. Oh wait, isn't everyone?  I don't play games and all the MARRIED men I meet think I'm awesome.  Single men seem to fall into two categories around me for some reason.  The ones that stare shyly across a room but never come over to say hi (even if I do give off the Cleo-inspired appropriate signals all men who read Cleo are supposed to understand) and the ones who see me as a MATE.  GAH! Damn me and my knowledge of Australian Rules Football.

So in the meantime, I stay home and watch True Blood and the Tudors to get my "romance" fix.  This involves me holding my breath and clutching the couch pillows a lot.  In all seriousness, I watched Jonathon Rhys-Meyers look at one of the court ladies and slowly and quite chastely kiss her hand and it was a white knuckle moment for me.   I sat on the couch and watched True Blood with my obligatory Australian version of Stanford Blatch and both of us had that brief moment of "should we?" For the record, we didn't. For many reasons, but most of all because we both want the meaningful relationship and because we value our friendship too much to mess it up. 

So I'll continue to go to bed and grind my teeth (hey, keep your mind out of the gutter thanks) and pray to the Universe, God, Buddha, Jesus, Mother Earth and whoever else may be listening that they will send me a man who likes Star Trek, football, Mozart, Muse, Foo Fighters, jigsaw puzzles, fancy dress parties, spontaneous home discos, Tim Tam Slams, Bruce Willis movies, Shakespeare, super hot Thai food, long lunches at the pub and thinks it endearing when I sing off-key after too much red wine .  Cos I'd like to lose my virginity again. Soon.

Cat Food and Sad Movies

I find it interesting being a single woman who has just reached her 40s.  Apparently it's all cat food and sad movies for the rest of my life.  When I meet married couples for the first time, it's invariably the woman who susses out my relationship status. Then she, for the most part, (there are some rare exceptions) falls into two categories.


The first category is  'The Women Who Pity'.  These women treat me like I'm some bizarre failure for not being in relationship.  I'm quizzed on my past relationships, current dating habits and future goals for finding a husband so I can be a whole person.  Silly me for thinking I already am.


The Second Category is 'The Women Who Run'.  This is generally the wife who immediately grabs her husband and finds an excuse to no longer talk to me.   Clearly, all I'm waiting for is for the wife to leave the husband in front of the dip plate to make my move.  




Oh yeah, that's right - I'm not.


Most people find it weird that I'm happy being single.  So much so, that I've actually stopped saying it.  I'm either not believed or treated like a bra-burning, extreme, man-hating feminist.  Let me set you straight on that.  I'm not a liar and I don't hate men. So, in a scenario which is quite different from a famous scene in Sex and the City where Miranda comes clean with the simple statement that she's not seeing anybody, I say something else.  I say it would be a wonderful favour if people would keep an eye out for someone suitable.  This charade has the added bonus of letting the insecure wives know I'm not after their husbands and makes 'The Women Who Pity' feel useful.  Possibly one day, it may even have the bonus of helping me to actually meet someone suitable, but as yet, no luck.


Now here's the killer: I would like to be in a relationship.  But that doesn't mean I'm unhappy being single.  I'm not.  There's so much to love about my life and how it is now. So I'm not about to settle for something less than amazing.  There are a lot of theories out there that say I shouldn't wait for Mr Perfect but instead find Mr Acceptable and settle down into something nice and comfortable.  I disagree.That's how I ended up divorced in the first place. Now  I'm not looking for some movie version of perfect romance.  It's just that I have a really great life and I don't see any reason to bring someone that doesn't fit, into that life, just to make others feel more comfortable.   Being single does not equate to being a failure.


You see, I have a job that I truly adore.  I work with people that I admire, respect and enjoy working with.  I actually hate being sick, because I enjoy going to work!  I have an amazing family that I see once a week for family dinner which is filled with stimulating discussions, silly arguments and great food.  I have two great kids that keep me young, teach me, push me, pull me, challenge me and keep me laughing.  I have inspiring friends who support and uplift me.  I have a hobby which takes me out of the house twice a week and keeps me fit. I volunteer in the arts which emotionally and spiritually fills me up.  I have so much love and laughter in my life, at work, at home and at play that when I do find love, (yes I believe it's a when not an if) it will find the right slot and be one more facet of an already uplifting, interesting, fun, giving and amazing life. Wouldn't Oprah be proud?


I’ve been told to go on line and join a dating website. No.  I've been there, done that.  Never again.  I'm sure there are some genuinely nice people on it seeking love, but I didn't have any luck.  More than that, I discovered that I am much more old fashioned and organic than that.  I don't think it's how I'll find someone to love. But to those who do, I wish you the best.  It's just not for me and I'm a firm believer in each to his own. So bless and thumbs up to those for whom it has worked.  Besides I've tried describing my "perfect" partner in one paragraph and at the end it reads like my perfect man is really a gay man, who can talk footy and f*ck women.  I think he's a cross between Kurt and Puck from Glee, with a dash of David from Moonlighting. They're a dime a dozen, aren't they?


My eldest kid is currently learning about stereotypes at school and is busy writing expositions about how stereotypes can damage the society we live in.  I've had to bite my tongue and let him find his own examples.  Although, at times I feel I have neon lights above my head saying 'SINGLE WOMAN IN HER 40S! WATCH OUT! DESPERATION IN PROGRESS!'   It seems that society needs to see me that way in order to feel more comfortable.  After all, each of us has role to play. Apparently.


But if you don't mind I might put off the cat food and sad movies for a few years yet.  I know that my boobs are getting saggier, my arse is definitely closer to the ground than it was 15 years ago, my hangovers seem twice as bad as they used to and I find myself listening to more talkback radio, (the day I talk back it's over) but I don't think I'm ready for the scrap heap just yet.  Being single is just a tiny aspect of my life.  


I'm sure one day a fella's gonna wander into my life, (somehow, someway, lets not stress about the details) we'll bond over our strange love of Sci-Fi and Scrabble and our intense dislike of Naked Gun movies and gardening, find out we can live with each other’s imperfections, love and laugh in the bedroom and decide to give the romance thing a whirl.   But if he doesn't, I still won't resort to becoming crazy cat lady or Miss Havisham. 


I'm pretty sure for the rest of my life I'm going to be an interesting person who leads an interesting life.  Why?  It's because I love learning.  I love challenging myself.  The good thing about me?  I don’t sit around whining about how bored I am.  I get off the couch and find something to do and I can't see that changing anytime soon.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch Twilight and eat clinkers on the couch, in my jammies, under my snuggie, with my exfoliating apricot face mask, that is if I can kick the cat....er dog off the couch.