As a parent of two school age children I am obliged to attend school functions and extra-curricular sports, theatre and musical activities.
So I need to start by saying this: Mum, Dad I have new level of respect for you. As the kid who joined two calisthenic clubs, played guitar, joined every musical group, debating group and drama group during school I now understand the torture you went through attending every single function I was involved in. I feel like I should apologise profusely, but I'm pretty sure I was good enough to hold your attention for all those years (at least that's how I prefer to remember it).
Tonight I attended a "musical soiree" put on my by eldest son's school. That's a fancy pants way of naming the musical torture session I sat through for 2-and-a-half hours with only one plastic cup of really bad wine to help ease the pain. But kudos to the school for serving wine. You don't get that at primary school level. I have long advocated for wine to be served at the weekly assemblies. Yes I know they start at 9am. Have you sat through one of these assemblies? No. Shut up then.
I don't know about you other parents, but I'm really only interested in the 3-and-a-half minutes my kid is on stage for.
At first I thought it might be fun to turn the evening into a drinking game. One sip for every bum note. I finished my drink in the first number. I was too far away from the wine to get another cup without tripping over a host of nannas, and being too embarrassed to whisper excuse me 52 times to reach the wine table, I had to sit through this sober*.
*I'm not an alcoholic, but at these events I consider it.
I checked the program with great hope, thinking if my kid's number came up early we could leave by interval. No such luck. Item 21 on the list. 30 items all up.
The second kid up played the Star Wars Theme on the guitar. It's not the same without the John Williams orchestra. It needs a horn section. I also had to bite back the urge to say the monologue form the movie aloud in the hall - but I really did wish I was in a galaxy far, far away.
Then some kids played Mozart on the flute, which was followed up by a kid who played Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns n Roses. I really wanted someone to belt out OOOOOOOOOHHHH Sweet Child O' Mine from the audience. But apparently this isn't done at a Catholic School. Still you can't complain about the diversity of music on offer.
Bla bla bla some flutes, some trumpets and some drum solos. Note to all teachers: Unless you are rock star along the lines of Dave Grohl, 10 minute drum solos are not interesting to anyone.
But then they bought out the kids who played the BONGOS. BONGOS. They never would have allowed skiving off like that in my day. I have no idea what they played, but they were comical, because they were BONGOS.
This was followed up some kids who played "Wild Thing" on the xylophones. I found this hysterically funny and had to seriously stop myself from a standing ovation at the end of that song. Well done 12 year olds for being amazingly uncool and cool all at the same time.
My kids turn is up. He's playing in the year 8 band. The teacher announces that all students have been learning this song for the entire term BUT this was the very first time they have actually all played in the same room. VERY. FIRST. TIME. I want to face palm but figure that's rude so I don't. They are surprisingly good and I'm pretty sure that Pseudo Echo would be proud.
The obligatory guitarists come up and crank Deep Purple out of their amps. I'm pretty sure it's a legal requirement for all students to learn Smoke on the Water. The people around me were not happy when I sang "fire in the sky" out loud. Whatever. Haters gonna hate.
The obviously save the better kids for the second half of the soiree and there was a great pianist and guitar player who rocked a 12 string John Butler style. I do take my hat off to him. He did not take his hat off to play though. I guess he figured if it's good enough for John Butler then it's good enough for him. School policy says no dreads though, which made me feel like he didn't really commit hard enough.
But they decide to finish off the night with the saxaphone band. Just made of up saxaphones, a few saxaphones and a saxaphone.
They did three numbers. I swear the first jazz/swing number lasted 10 minutes. People unless you're passing a doobie around at 9:30pm (and I'm pretty sure that's frowned upon in the school system) no one wants to hear a 10 minute jazz piece performed by 8 saxaphonists - NO MATTER HOW GOOD THEY ARE. Okay except their parents. Sheesh, pedantic much?
Okay, so it wasn't quite as bad as that. Okay so yes it was. But I liked the 3-and-a-half minutes my kid was on stage. He took me to funkytown.
