Thursday 19 September 2013

Why I had to like Nickelback for three minutes

Yesterday morning on the drive during school drop off, Nickelback came on my radio.  My teenage son, quickly changed the station and we both made snide Nickelback comments.  Quietly, from the back seat, my younger son said "They aren't that bad.  Nanna likes them".  My teenager and I laughed obnoxiously at how that comment did not make Nickelback cooler.

Later that night I attended the South Australian Primary Schools Festival of Music choir night at the Festival Theatre.  My youngest son was in the choir and very excited about the performance.  He'd been practicing for weeks.

I stood around and made awkward small talk with parents I'm not really friendly with, snuck off to grab a champagne to steel my nerves (for my son) and took my seat at the Festival Theatre quietly excited about seeing my son perform in an event that I, myself, performed in, 32 years ago.

I tweeted my excitement and a fellow parent tweeted back "You'll cry in the first song".  I sat there smugly, sure that I would just find it terribly amusing in a primary school kid kind of way.

The curtain rose and a rainbow of kids in candy coloured t-shirts appeared.  The auditorium was silent and the kids on stage rubbed their hands together, creating an impressive visual and audible effect.  They then started clicking, then smacking their thighs as an African landscape appeared on the screen behind them.  Suddenly in a wave like effect they all stomped and a flash of light appeared and I realised that what they were creating with the different sounds, was the sound of a thunderstorm.  I felt my eyes well up.  They started with "Africa" by Toto.  A song I remember hearing on the radio in my youth, while eating toast and listening to Baz & Pilko on early morning radio.  The tears fell.

A torrent of tears snaked down my face when the 400 strong choir sung Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror".  (YES WE CAN ALL MAKE A CHANGE PEOPLE, WE JUST NEED TO START WITH THE MAN IN THE MIRROR AND MY HEART IS SWELLING AND THE TEARS ARE FALLING).

Suffice it to say that I laughed and cried and clapped my way through the concert every inch a proud parent.

But the best bit was yet to come.  My teenage son had attended the concert with his father, so we weren't sitting together, but when the presenter announced the last song I howled with laughter, much to the disgust of the people next to me.  Why?  Because it was a Nickelback song.  Yes.  They ended with a Nickelback song. I can't even tell you what it was, not being a fan, but I could just picture my teenagers face.  HORRIFIED.

After the concert ended and while I was waiting for the teachers to appear with my child, I checked facebook. As you do.  My teenager had posted:  I was at my little brothers choir concert and all was going well until the last song.  They played Nickelback.  No.  Just No.

I doubled over with laughter again.  I think the parents think I'm very odd.  But at least I understand now, why my youngest son defended Nickelback.  And why for three minutes of my life - I liked Nickelback.

Saturday 7 September 2013

Survivor

I have a sunny disposition.  I'm a positive person.  I like to be light hearted and irreverent.  Sometimes people think that's all there is to me.  They don't see the intelligence or sensitivity behind the cheek.  For the most part I'm okay with that.  But today, I'm not.  I'm not okay with people thinking I'm dumb and insensitive.

I'm relatively open about what happens in my life because I like my life and I have no shame, regrets or embarrassment about how I choose to live.  Because for a long time I didn't choose how I lived, it was chosen for me.

There is a reason for that.  I'm a survivor of abuse.  I don't share that often and even today I'm not going to talk about the abuse because it's not how I define myself.  But the abuse has left an indelible stamp on me and that's what I want to talk about today.

To survive in a relationship where you don't know what is going to set off the abuse you learn to read people's body language very well.  Extraordinarily well.  You have to.  Because you have to read the warning signs.  I can read micro expressions incredibly well and I'm hyper aware of people all the time.  It's now bordering on an instinctual behaviour with me.

This makes me highly anxious.  If I walk into a situation where things are tense my flight or fight instinct goes into overdrive.  Even when the tension has nothing to do with me whatsoever.  I've learnt to hide that anxiety when in public.  It hits me a lot at home where I feel safe and I can allow the panic to win for a little while.  I also know how to come out of that panic and deal with it, thanks to counselling.

Because I feel like the abuse pretty much trained me to observe what was going on around me at all times and be ready to quickly deal with what was coming, I read micro expressions at a glance. This means, more often that not, I can sense what people are hiding and/or truly feeling.  I'm privy to a lot of secrets people aren't even aware that they've shared with me.  Oh I'm not talking great details. I'm not psychic. But I can pick a hidden emotion at 20 paces. Ninety percent of the time I ignore what I see.  Not because I don't care, but because it has nothing to do with me.  I'll only act or react if I think the person or situation requires it and even then I'll often think about it and try to think ahead of ways the situation will pan out should I say something.

It almost means it's almost impossible to lie to me.  This is a great thing as a parent.  My kids can't get away with anything and they know it.  So they don't even try.  This is not a great thing as a member of the human race, because people lie a lot.  Most of them badly.   Kind, little white lies, no big deal.  Compassion and kindness more often that not are the drivers of this behaviour and if we can make the world a little more kind and allow people to save face, then I'm all for it.  But sometimes the lies are cruel, mean and plain stupid and those times I don't understand and it perplexes me.  I'm often shocked by it.  The fact I still get shocked, shocks me, because it happens often.  I'll never get used to it.  I guess I'll never be a cynical person, no matter how hard I try.  This is a good thing.

I've been planning this post for quite a while and even now I'm not sure how to end it or what purpose it's supposed to serve.  I just knew I had to write it.  I guess I'm learning how to be more vulnerable and this is a step in that process.  There's more to me than silly banter.

There's more to a lot of people if you just take the time to notice.


Monday 2 September 2013

Today and tomorrow.


I love who I am.  I wouldn't want to be anybody else.

I am independent.  Today I want to lean on someone.

I am strong.  Today I'm very weak.

I am okay being on my own.  Today I am lonely.

I have a sunny disposition. Today I am in shadows.

I am flexible.  Today I feel brittle.

I am a single parent. Today I need a partner.

I love what I do for a living. Today I didn't do it well.

I am good at looking after people's needs.  Today I want someone to care for mine.

I'm good at juggling lots of different balls. Today they are scattered around me on the floor.

I'm always hopeful.  Today I feel helpless.

I'm brave.  Today I was fearful.

I laugh every day.  Today I want to cry.

I'm forgiving.  Today I am angry.

Today I wish I was somebody else.

Tomorrow I will be me again.