Wednesday 2 October 2013

Alice in Wonderland (or Alice? Alice? Who the f*ck is Alice?)

I have a knack for attracting strange people.  Okay lets be more specific: strange men.  I'm single. I date. But the last six men I've gone out on dates with have been decidedly...weird.

Now I'd like to think of myself as a fairly non-judgemental person (unless you drive a 4WD and have never been off-road and only drive your big-ass mofo machine within a 10km radius of your home - in which case I TOTALLY judge you).  But overall, I think I'm a fairly "live and let live" kind of person.  As long your lifestyle choices don't hurt yourself or others, go in peace I say.

But I offer up these five men as "what not to do" examples for first dates in a "slightly judgy, but I hope you're all doing really well now" kind of way...

1.  YOU ARE NOT CHRISTIAN GREY.

Please don't tell me on the first date that you are millionaire who studied at Oxford and paid his way through Oxford by starring in porn films.

Yes.  I was seriously told that.  I think the guy thought by saying that he would come across as rich, smart and sexy.   It didn't work.


2.  EXCESS BAGGAGE ANYONE?

I went out with a nice man who was five years older than me.  So to be kind, lets say mid-40s.  We met for coffee and chatted about life.  The conversation flowed smoothly and I thought at the end of the date, yes I could see you again for another coffee (please note I was not planning a wedding or happily ever after).  But at the end of the night you very honestly told me that you preferred women under the age of 25 as they had less baggage, but it was very nice meeting me.

Well, at least he was honest.

3. WEE WEE WEE ALL THE WAY HOME

This guy I met online, against my better judgement, but I followed all the rules and after exchanging emails for a few weeks and discovering a very mutual love of films and a similar sense of humour we agreed to meet for a drink.  I'm not sure if you had a urinary tract infection or a cocaine sniffing problem or if you were simply nervous, but you averaged a trip to the toilet every 8.5 minutes (yes I timed you because after the fifth time I was concerned).  Our date lasted 2.5 hours and you went to the toilet around 15 times.

 Aside from that you were really rather nice, quiet and funny and nervous wee's aren't a deal breaker for me.  But you disappeared off the face of the earth after that afternoon.  I hope you got some antibiotics for the urinary tract infection.  That's what I like to think was the problem. And you know, not cocaine.

4. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

This guy was a friend of a friend and he came and picked me up for dinner and he bought flowers and that was really old school and sweet.  We ate dinner at a quirky Italian restaurant and talked about travel.  All was going well until whatever you ate didn't agree with you and you had...errr...tummy troubles.

I never heard from you again. I assume because you were so embarrassed about getting diarrhea.  It never would have worked with us anyway because I like fart humour a lot.  And if that made you squeamish, well....

5. CALL WILFRED BRIMLEY

Diabeetus.  It doesn't mix well with alcohol.  Please don't tell me on the first date that you are definitely a "not in recovery alcoholic with diabeetus".  Please, please call Wilfred Brimley and get that shit sorted.

6.  DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

I honestly felt like Alice in Wonderland when the latest guy I went out with started to tell me his conspiracy theories (although he corrected me and said he was a conspiracy FACTIST).  He explained to me about the studies he was doing into the Australian Government and legal system and he was now "down the rabbit hole".  Conspiracy theories included, but were not limited to:
a) how corrupt our legal system is and how you can fight any charge you're up on by citing the King James bible because if the prosecuting side fight it, it is considered treason against the Queen
b) how our government is formed illegally and is really run by and registered to American corporations
c) how even though I consider myself a person, I'm really chattel to those corporations as proven by the fact that my name on my drivers licence is written in capitals
d) and how so many of our legal words are based on the language of the sea - as in it's a birth (berth) certificate and you go to the doctors (dock-tors).

My favourite part was when you said to me "if I ever commit suicide you'll know they got me".

Now I know how to answer the one question smug married's ask me at parties. "So. How's single life?"
Have you got any great dating stories?