It's not unusual...

Friendship is awesome.  I really rate friendship.  Like the quote goes, they are the family you choose for yourself.  I love my little family and recently it expanded.  I'm happy about this expansion.  But some people in my life are questioning my latest friendship and I'm over it.

I'm 44.  My best female friend is 28.  We met eight years ago.  She was fresh out of school, I was fresh out of a marriage.  We were both attending the same college, so that's how we met.  Our friendship grew slowly.  Mainly because I was very wary of people after a longstanding, unhealthy relationship.  But over time came trust and a recognition that despite the age gap we are very similar people, but with enough differences to make life interesting.  We've had a lot of firsts together and as time passes I know more and more that she is a person I can count on.  It might help that she's perhaps a little old for her age and I'm a little young, but really at the end of the day, all that matters is that I have a supporting, loving friend in her and she in me.

Then there's my gay bestie.  I've written about him before.  He's 27 and basically the male version of me. Together we are outrageous, hilarious, occasionally bitchy but forever loyal to each other.

I have one other bestie.  A woman my age.  She's bitingly sarcastic, smart and brutally honest and in some ways as messed up as I am (hey who doesn't go through life with SOME baggage?).

No one bats an eyelid at these three relationships.

My friends range in age from 21 to 72 and are a balanced mix of male and female.  They are all in different stages of life, but all of them are wonderful, loving, giving human beings that I count myself blessed to have.  They are people that are fun to hang out with, who make me laugh and are easy to be around.  But do I trust them with anything other than "social Bec"?  Well, to be honest, no.

But recently I've made a new friend.  I've known them about 5 months now and our friendship has developed fast.  I don't make REAL friends quickly.  Oh I'm a friendly person, outgoing and happy to chat with anyone (well almost anyone).  But I don't trust people easily and I also like to have my space from people.  Even those I love best.  Normally after several hours with them I'm ready to have some downtime.  I'm also very careful about who I let into my space as I'm super protective of it.  This is a hangover from a long term unhealthy relationship where I didn't feel safe in my own home.  I love having people over, but I hesitate to ask them over because I know after a while I'll start to get anxious about them being in my space. It's nothing to do with them, but it's a feeling I get that I have to control.  Logically, I know I am safe with them in my space.  But physically/emotionally my body/heart gets into flight or fight mode - just in case.

But this friend  is different.  I don't know how or when but they crept past every defence I have and I feel stripped bare in front of them - and it's okay.   I have been lonely in some aspects of my life, that not even my best friends really understand and I had just grown to accept that that feeling was a part of life.  I had accepted that the bad relationship I'd been in had left a permanent mark and I would never be that soft, vulnerable, loving person I would like to be. And then BAM along comes this person and I find out that I can.  Even more than that, I don't get anxious when they're sharing my space.  There's no flight or fight glitch going off in my body. It's a revelation. A totally scary, totally awesome, freaking me out of my mind revelation.

And yet other people are judging this friendship.  They are questioning me on it.  They are talking to each other about it and expressing how they find it odd.  They've even been telling me straight up how they feel a little weird about it.

So why I am getting such comments?  Because he's 21.  Because I'm 44.  Because he's straight.  Because apparently a straight man and a straight woman with such an age gap, shouldn't have the friendship that we have.  I've heard enough Mrs Robinson jokes in the last 5 months to last a lifetime.  And it's not like that.

It bothered me a lot at first.  It made me question why this relationship, which seems so strange to others, feels completely natural to the two of us.  But it does.  So I'm not going to question it anymore. I'm not going to give a damn what others think.  I'm going to value this friendship, because it's unique and special and because it deserves it.

Oh and if you're wondering why My Little Pony? Well, keep wondering - that's a private joke! ;)

Girl Afraid

I see a tonne of wonderful quotes I'm sure they attribute to the "they" known in "they say". You know the ones.  The life inspiring, life affirming, positive attitude quotes that are designed mostly to make you feel bad for laying on the couch and watching an entire season of True Blood while eating Tim Tams nonstop on a nice sunny day.

 The one I see the popping out at me on Pinterest the most is "WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WEREN'T AFRAID".  It's always written in a swirly font with the backdrop of an inspiring sunset that makes you sigh and it got me to thinking about what I'd do if I wasn't afraid.  That was after I'd thought stop it Pinterest and just show me some great outfits/recipes and funny memes about Harry Potter and Twilight.

1.  I'd ride more rollercoasters.  I have to admit it I'm always worried that I'll be that .01% that will fall out of the damn ride.

2. I'd ditch someone I don't consider a friend anymore.  Yeah that's not nice is it?  But the world is messy, my friend and I've truly outgrown this person and the drama that comes with them.  But damn it we're friends on facebook too and even though I haven't seen them in real life for 6 months I still feel obliged to stay facebook friends with them.

3. I'd wear more dresses.  Back to the shallow.  I'm always worried the skirt will flip up and expose the fact that I really like boy leg underwear and not pretty, feminine, lacy underwear.  (Hey, the lace scratches okay?)

4. I'd finish writing my novel.  Oh c'mon if Stephenie Meyer and EL James can get published....

5. I'd try camel.  I've always wanted to try to eat something exotic.  But let's not go overboard here. I don't want to eat anything that is raw or that comes from the ocean.  Just sayin': there's afraid and there's just plain yucky.

6. *language warning* There's a whole list of people I'd yell F*CK OFF AND THEN F*CK OF SOME MORE AND WHEN YOU GET THERE F*CK OFF FURTHER. IN FACT KEEP F*CKING OFF UNTIL YOU GET BACK HERE AND THEN F*CK OFF AGAIN.  They are 4WD drivers who never leave the metro area and drive and park like no other people exist, people who slant their trollies to face the middle of the shopping aisle so you can't get past them, people who talk really loudly on their mobile phones while on public transport and all the Kardashians.  Seriously.  Just. Go. Away.

7. Tell "Mr Rochester" (I'm changing the name to protect the innocent) that I really, really like him and think we'd be great together.   Yep. I'd lay it on the line, put my heart out there for the very possible sting of rejection.  In fact I even have a plan for how I'd get him to like me back.  There's a big concert at the end of term and he's going to be in it. I thought, if I was in the concert and played really, really well, there's a chance he might fall in love....oh wait no, that's the plot of Love Actually.  Damn.

But I get ahead of myself.  Maybe I should start with the rollercoasters.  If I can last on one of those rides without actually turning green and throwing up I may just be ready to tackle the rest.

What would you do?