Baby, I swear it's Deja Vu

Déjà moo. Yeah, I know. Bad joke.

But I found myself in a situation that's almost identical to one I was in over 10 years ago.  And for a while I was thinking REALLY? AGAIN?

For about a week I slid down the slope into despair and frustration. And I found myself thinking and reacting the way I would have back then.

But this time around one thing was different. I had people to turn to. They couldn't fix the situation. But they could listen. They let me know that they cared.

Then I realised something else. I'm not the same person I was a decade ago and although my initial reaction was the same I did not ACT on that reaction. I took the time to think, seek support and realise that I'm going to be okay. 

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

So I was raised in one of those very stoic-don't-show-any-kind-of-emotions type family.  Happy? Fine.  Angry? Fine. Frustrated? Fine.  These were acceptable to share with the general public and/or your family.

But other types of feelings, not so much. Hurt? Buck up.  Sad? Get over it. Vulnerable? Not interested.  As a person who tends to have all of the feelings all of the time, and as someone who likes to express themselves in order to be understood, this bottling up of emotions was very difficult for me.  But I learnt how; to a degree.

Then I got married to someone who would use any type of emotion I had as a weapon against me.  So I became awesome at really, truly burying the feelings quite deep and only applying logic.

Only the safe emotions were, and still are, ever expressed.  Happiness, anger and frustration.  Hilarious that the anger and frustration are considered safe, right?

Even at my brother's wedding when I got teary and my voice broke while I did a reading for him and his bride, a family member asked me why I got choked up about it.  (Gee guys,  I don't know, my brother only found the love of his life and married her - no reason at all, I guess.)

Consequently I find it difficult to say things like I love you, I need help, I'm feeling vulnerable.  Not only do I not say them, but I definitely don't show them.  (Except to my kids, and normally it's still expressed with a great deal of inappropriate humour.)

It can be a blessing.  When people truly hurt me, but are the sort of people who take pleasure in the pain they cause - they get no response from me.  Whatever trolls...

But lately, I find it a hindrance.  I have people in my life I care for.  I'd like to tell them what they mean to me.  The other day I just had to use the "L" word.  But the only way I could say it was gruffly, and in a sentence that ended with "stupid head".   So you know, it didn't quite sound the way I was feeling.  But I think the person understood.

My best friend is about to appear in a show.  A show that has meant a lot to me for many years.  It's a show that is raw and powerful and has the ability to make me cry in public.  Something I don't do.  Not even at funerals.

I know he's going to nail his performance.  I know I'm going to be a complete wreck through this show.  I also know that there is no way in hell I'll be talking to him publicly after the show.  He knows this.  Our mutual friends are going to be shocked after the show, because they will be expecting me to be the biggest cheerleader.

What they'll witness is he and I completely ignoring each other and looking decidedly disinterested about the whole thing.  Not because we don't feel anything, but because we feel too much.  And this is the only way we can cope with it.

Later, and very privately, he and I will talk about it.  Probably in the most roundabout of terms. Thankfully, with each other we're good at reading between the lines.

Because feelings.  People give you the feelings.  And feelings?  They're the worst.

Aren't they?

When the war is over...

I had a bad moment with someone on the weekend. A relationship with a lot of history and one I have no choice but to continue. I limit this relationship to as few visits as possible and normally make sure others are around as a buffer zone. But I had no choice but one on one contact and it went as badly as expected.

I'm not going to discuss their behaviour; but its affect on me was profound. I let it affect me. Worse I let it affect a really good relationship I have.

I started off by feeling a little low, then I got a little anxious. Then I got a lot anxious. Then I had a panic attack. I managed to calm myself down but for the next day and a half I felt sick to my stomach.

I thought I had conquered the hold anxiety had on me. I thought I understood that one persons behaviour says more about them than me.  I thought it meant I was immune to letting that negativity in my head. Logic should always win, right? Wrong.

Now despite talking with my friend and knowing that everything is ok between us, I'm still sitting here not quite believing it, and with anxiety nipping at my insides.

It really sucks. It's a constant battle. But I'm determined to win the war.

We are family...or are we?

I need to state up front that I love my family.  I do.  They have, for better or worse, helped me to become the person I am today.   In some ways, it's despite them that I am the person I am today.  I have made conscious choices and decisions to live my life the way I do.  They helped me form my moral code.  Sometimes, their beliefs helped me form completely different moral codes from them.  But at the end of the day, these people don't get me and I don't get them.  I am trying to find a way to be okay with this.

Sometimes I'm comfortable with the fact that most of them have different political and social beliefs than me. After all, life would be boring if we were all the same. Sometimes I'm utterly outraged by the different stances they take.

There are conversational topics that I've learnt to avoid because who needs the stress of a family argument?  Sometimes I feel so moved by a topic that I have no choice but to speak my thoughts and then deal with the inevitable fall out.  These times are never good.

I've made life choices which with they disagree. I deal with the passive aggressive comments they throw at me because they don't have the balls to just confront me directly or have a conversation with me to try and understand why I've made the choices I've made.  They're not interested in the why's of my life.  As far as they're concerned I'm wrong, they're right and that's the end of it.  This is frustrating because I'm the type of person that tries to at least understand where the other person is coming from before I decide to live and let live.  I'm not afforded the same respect.  But I've made the choice to let this slide to keep the family peace. Sometimes it frustrates me to the point of screaming.  So I do.  To one or two trusted friends.  For a long time I just assumed this was the pull/push dynamic of families.

But recently, I've seen other families interact on a more intimate scale and I've come to realise that not all families are like mine.  Some actually love, support, understand and celebrate each other.  To me, this is a wondrous gift and one that should be treasured.  I must admit to a little bit of envy as I watch them lovingly tease each other, celebrate each others successes and support each other through the trying times.

It's around Christmas time that I become reflective about my family, because traditionally it's the time you spend with them.   But the people I want to spend time with this year, well it's not really my family.  It's my friends.  The family I've chosen for myself.  The people that I'm NOT related to, that I actually relate to.  It's taken me a while to find them, but boy am I grateful I have.

It's not unusual...

Friendship is awesome.  I really rate friendship.  Like the quote goes, they are the family you choose for yourself.  I love my little family and recently it expanded.  I'm happy about this expansion.  But some people in my life are questioning my latest friendship and I'm over it.

I'm 44.  My best female friend is 28.  We met eight years ago.  She was fresh out of school, I was fresh out of a marriage.  We were both attending the same college, so that's how we met.  Our friendship grew slowly.  Mainly because I was very wary of people after a longstanding, unhealthy relationship.  But over time came trust and a recognition that despite the age gap we are very similar people, but with enough differences to make life interesting.  We've had a lot of firsts together and as time passes I know more and more that she is a person I can count on.  It might help that she's perhaps a little old for her age and I'm a little young, but really at the end of the day, all that matters is that I have a supporting, loving friend in her and she in me.

Then there's my gay bestie.  I've written about him before.  He's 27 and basically the male version of me. Together we are outrageous, hilarious, occasionally bitchy but forever loyal to each other.

I have one other bestie.  A woman my age.  She's bitingly sarcastic, smart and brutally honest and in some ways as messed up as I am (hey who doesn't go through life with SOME baggage?).

No one bats an eyelid at these three relationships.

My friends range in age from 21 to 72 and are a balanced mix of male and female.  They are all in different stages of life, but all of them are wonderful, loving, giving human beings that I count myself blessed to have.  They are people that are fun to hang out with, who make me laugh and are easy to be around.  But do I trust them with anything other than "social Bec"?  Well, to be honest, no.

But recently I've made a new friend.  I've known them about 5 months now and our friendship has developed fast.  I don't make REAL friends quickly.  Oh I'm a friendly person, outgoing and happy to chat with anyone (well almost anyone).  But I don't trust people easily and I also like to have my space from people.  Even those I love best.  Normally after several hours with them I'm ready to have some downtime.  I'm also very careful about who I let into my space as I'm super protective of it.  This is a hangover from a long term unhealthy relationship where I didn't feel safe in my own home.  I love having people over, but I hesitate to ask them over because I know after a while I'll start to get anxious about them being in my space. It's nothing to do with them, but it's a feeling I get that I have to control.  Logically, I know I am safe with them in my space.  But physically/emotionally my body/heart gets into flight or fight mode - just in case.

But this friend  is different.  I don't know how or when but they crept past every defence I have and I feel stripped bare in front of them - and it's okay.   I have been lonely in some aspects of my life, that not even my best friends really understand and I had just grown to accept that that feeling was a part of life.  I had accepted that the bad relationship I'd been in had left a permanent mark and I would never be that soft, vulnerable, loving person I would like to be. And then BAM along comes this person and I find out that I can.  Even more than that, I don't get anxious when they're sharing my space.  There's no flight or fight glitch going off in my body. It's a revelation. A totally scary, totally awesome, freaking me out of my mind revelation.

And yet other people are judging this friendship.  They are questioning me on it.  They are talking to each other about it and expressing how they find it odd.  They've even been telling me straight up how they feel a little weird about it.

So why I am getting such comments?  Because he's 21.  Because I'm 44.  Because he's straight.  Because apparently a straight man and a straight woman with such an age gap, shouldn't have the friendship that we have.  I've heard enough Mrs Robinson jokes in the last 5 months to last a lifetime.  And it's not like that.

It bothered me a lot at first.  It made me question why this relationship, which seems so strange to others, feels completely natural to the two of us.  But it does.  So I'm not going to question it anymore. I'm not going to give a damn what others think.  I'm going to value this friendship, because it's unique and special and because it deserves it.

Oh and if you're wondering why My Little Pony? Well, keep wondering - that's a private joke! ;)

Happy days

Yesterday  was a good day.  And for no special reason.  I realised I was happy when I turned out the light to go to sleep and caught myself whistling a jaunty (yes jaunty) little tune.  I stopped and thought for a minute and then I realised I was happy.  I was content.  Instead of trying to analyse why, I just let myself bask in the moment.  My eyes were squeezed shut and a huge grin spread over my face and I stretched out my body along the sheets and wiggled my toes and just let myself be happy.   What a glorious moment.

So today I reflected, what made me feel so happy yesterday when nothing spectacular happened?  And then I realised; it was all the little things.

I had an awesome cup of coffee.  A really good brew.  And I sipped it slowly, savouring it instead of just trying to get the caffeine into me as quickly as possible.

I got everything I needed to do at work, done.  An empty inbox is a wonderful sight to see.

A friend popped by for a coffee. He's a jewellery designer.  He's re-working my engagement/wedding/eternity rings.  I've been divorced 10 years and I love those rings, those jewels and he's created the perfect design that honours their past meaning and yet reflects the life I lead today.

A newly made friend sent me hilarious snapchats through the day and had me laughing out loud in sheer delight.  Never underestimate the power of a genuine belly laugh.  How good does that make you feel?!

I caught up with some more friends for dinner.  We ate good Asian food and talked nonsense around the dinner table.  I was home by 9pm and took one of those indulgent, rarely had, 10 minute showers and let my body really feel the warm, pressurised-exactly-right-water pelt my shoulders.  I went to bed, my ever-adoring poodle, Jude, curled up at my feet.

Happy, content, and just being.

You ain't never had a friend like me

This my gay pretend-husband and I at our joint birthday/pretend-wedding celebration.  Or as our friends know it - Bec and Daniel celebrating being Bec and Daniel.  I'm a straight 44 year old woman.  He's a gay 27 year old man - and we're besties.

There really is nothing quite like the friendship between a gay man and a straight woman.  It's not quite siblings, it's not quite friends, it's not quite lovers, but at the same time it's also kind of all three at once (without the sex).  Okay, okay, I'm willing to admit - maybe this is like this, just for us.

I can be myself around him.  Warts and all.  There's no judgement.  Maybe it's because he's gay and he's faced judgement in his life and he's determined not to inflict that on others.  (Okay - with one exception - he'll judge what I'm wearing.  But normally his fashion advice is spot on.)  Is that stereotypical?  I don't know.  I trust him to be honest with me.  He'll let me know if an outfit is working or not.  Clearly the outfit in this photo totally works....for a dress up party.

We watch Disney films together and sing all the parts (sometimes he's the girl - we switch according to the key range).  This embarrasses my kids, but we love it.  We go to the movies together and we watch musicals and action adventure equally.

He drinks wine, I drink beer, we both like scotch a lot.  We love a quiet Friday night in eating pizza in our trakkies as much as getting all glammed up for a fabulous new bar.  We both LOVE food. To excess.  We're both happy to rub each other's bellies when we've over-eaten all the good stuff.  Cheese. OMG we both love cheese.

I can talk to him about anything to do with sex (SEXY TIME QUESTIONS is the funnest game ever.)  We argue about politics, we ramble on about tv shows, we randomly sing songs at each other.  We can look at each other from across the room and know what each other is thinking.  Sometimes I feel like we're two halves of the same coin.  His wonderful partner Simon, has said to me that he knew when he came on the scene that he had to pass muster with me if Daniel and he were to work out.  If ever someone comes on the scene for me - well they'll have to pass muster with Daniel.  He trusts me to see what he can't and vice versa.  He messages me during the day and sometimes we even message each other the same message at exactly the same time. We're HILARIOUS with the back and forth.  Others may not think so, but as he'd say "they'd be wrong".

I've had a rough trot with friends in the past. Sometimes I've had friends that seem to be in competition with me.  I'm not sure what we're competing for.  Sometimes I've had friends who only seem to be there for the successes and not the failures.  They haven't lasted long.  Sometimes I've had friends who are only interested in what they can get from me and never give back.  Actually, now that I think about it I'm not sure any of the above qualifies as friendship.

But with Daniel I feel equal, I feel accepted, I feel loved.  So I just want to celebrate him for a bit.  And as he'll tell you - he's worth it.

Blame it on the Boogie

I'm gonna state right up front that I'm a flawed human being.  I'm prideful, impatient, selfish and frequently mistaken about who won the Melbourne Cup.  But I will stand up and cop it when I'm in the wrong.  I believe in accountability and I will put my hand up and say "Yep. I was wrong there. I lived in Wrong Town on Wrong Street and lived in Wrongness.  My apologies."  I'll also fix what's wrong, if it's fixable.

For a long time I allowed myself to cop the blame for the mistakes of others.   I figured it worked something along the lines of that "turn the other cheek" saying.  But I made myself a promise at the beginning of the year that I would stop doing that, because I make enough mistakes on my own I need to be accountable for without being accountable for others.

So this year I stopped taking the blame for things I did not do.  Excuse me, buddy?  That there, that right there, that wasn't me, so you can stop looking at me like it was, kay?

So here's a list of things I did and didn't do in 2013 so we're all clear:

I did eat all the chocolate biscuits.  I hid them and I ate them all in a fit of rage-eating.  Yep that was me. Gained half a kilo and a bucket of shame, but I ate the damn biscuits.  You got none. Deal with it.

I joined a weight loss group and lost interest at week 10 of the 12 week plan. I like eating cheese (and chocolate biscuits - see above) and watching tv while laying on the couch.  I made a life decision that I will never give up cheese again.  I will try and exercise more - but that will also depend on what awesome shows HBO brings out in 2014.  I'm not gonna lie about this.

I did break up with a friend this year.  Rather than a let a person fade away insignificantly I reached out and told them I was grateful for what they had brought into my life, but our differences in where we were emotionally in our lives meant our relationship was over.  We break up with lovers - why not be respectful of this relationship and end it properly?

I did say yes to one too many things this year and consequently did a shoddy half-arsed job on a theatre program.  I'm ashamed of this.  When you volunteer it should be done with enthusiasm and pride in the job. Thank you for polishing my work, and thank you for giving me an opportunity to do the job again.  I will do it with care this time.

I did bitch about a negative person in my life to a friend earlier in the year.  I didn't talk with them or give them a chance to explain.  I just moaned about it, like a whiny baby, because it was easier than having a difficult talk with someone about their mental illness.  I should have been there to offer support.  I hope I've made up for it in the second half of the year, because I know the negativity spilling out of them was not their choice.

I did yell at my kids.  I got tired, frustrated and mad and I YELLED.  Like the really big voice that makes them cringe and me hate myself afterwards.  Sorry boys.  You know I love your dirty, smelly, loud, bizarre, funny, awesome, stuck-gaming-forever selves.

I did not publicly denigrate an ex.  That is NOT cool and I didn't do it.  I have more class than that.

I did not spread rumours about your relationship.  Sorry, you're not that interesting.

I did not fail in my parental duties because I chose to have a hobby.  Parents are allowed to enjoy their own life.  My children are happy and healthy, and they have reveled in the independence I have given them and they have learnt valuable lessons about dreams, goals and overcoming your fears by watching my example.

I did not say your partner abused you.  Two of your other friends came to me worried about you.  All I did was ask if you were okay.

I did not "put my nose in other people's business".  You brought your business into my house.  You were rude to me and disrepectful.  Since then I've been nothing but polite and friendly to you.  I'm over your fit of pique. Grow up already.

So there you go.  My list of did and did nots.  I'll cop to my own failings and my own mistakes, but I won't cop to yours.  That's the one New Year's resolution I made at the beginning of the year that I did keep.  That one about losing weight and running a half marathon, well, not so much.

I wanna hold your hand...

I'm not 17 anymore...in fact I'm not even 40 anymore, but sometimes I still feel like I'm 17.  Like right now. Totes.  It's because I have a crush on a boy.  Okay - scratch that. I have a crush on a man.  A manly man.  A straight shooting, ambitious, strong, emotional, private, caring man. Having a crush on someone must be the most wonderfully torturous feeling in the world.  It's hard to think straight when you're deep in crush.  Especially if you happen to be around your crush.

Every look they shoot you, every word they say, every twist of the shoulder, every hand movement becomes significant (well if you're a woman at least!)

I think having a crush is the best feeling in the world.  It's full of potential.  No reality has set in, every flaw is endearing and life has promise.

Some people (eg my wolf pack) are quite frankly, sick to death of hearing about my crush.  One has even gone so far as to say that until I f*ck my crush they don't want to hear his name mentioned ever again. (Should I be crass?  Yeah, why not... I'd like to "oblige" my friend in this instance LOL winky emoticon).

The only problem with having a crush is not being able to act on it.  Yes, there are various reasons why I can't just say "Hey this is crazy but here's my number so call me maybe".  One of those reasons is that's a Carly Rae Jepsen song that's super annoying on the radio at the moment.  The other reasons...well that's for me to know!

So at the moment, I can honestly say that my life is pretty fantastic at the moment.  Potential and promise, dreams and fantasy are keeping me warm at night (along with Fifty Shades of Grey - yeah I know, tragic but I'm single so cut me some slack!)

So until my crush magically figures out that we would make an awesome couple, fictional characters and some late night daydreams will have to suffice (it's okay if some of them are about Matt LeNevez, right?)

But funnily enough all of the late night daydreams start with simply, just wanting to hold his hand.  The good ones don't end there.

Sweet dreams...