Space Oddity (Or Why You Shouldn't Touch Me or Get Too Close)

This is one of my favourite moments in my life.  I was on a boat, with two of my dear friends.  I'm sitting on the front of the boat (I'm sure it has a proper term, but I'm not very nautically knowledgeable).  My friends are behind me in the boat.  I'm surrounded by water and no one is invading my space.

I've slowly come to the realisation that I have a problem.  I don't like it when my personal space is invaded.  In fact, I need a lot of personal space.  More than what is probably "normal".  I like to maintain an invisible barrier between myself and everyone.

Now that barrier can be flexible.  For example: in a crowded lift, I understand that we are probably going to be less than an inch away from each other.  But if there's only two of us in the lift then you need to be more than arms length away from me.

I'm not overly affectionate either, except with those I truly love.  I'm not a fan of the casual touching.  If I'm meeting you for the first time I do not wish to hug you or kiss your cheek.  I'd prefer an arms length, firm handshake and then step back please.

If I have one friend over and there are two couches, please don't sit next to me on the same couch.  There is another couch over there, please deposit yourself on that one.  However if I have three friends over and my couch sits two each, then I'm more than happy for you to sit by my side.

I have a dog.  My dog knows I don't like my space invaded.  He will sit next to me on the couch, but at the far end, and will only move in close if I give the command.  He will only sit on me if I pat my lap or chest and grant permission and he understands that after 10 or so minutes he will probably need to move back to the other side of the couch.

My best friend's sister is like a sister to me.  And she's super-affectionate.  She will sit next to you on the couch and hold your hand.  She will stroke your shoulders or your hair.  She was raised in a family where affection was freely given and received.  The other day she grabbed my hand while we were watching television.  After 10 minutes I excused myself and made a cup of tea, just so I could stop holding hands without upsetting her.

I allow my two sons in my space and freely give and receive affection from them. I have never withheld any affection from them.  I'm also utterly comfortable with my best friend invading my space.  I love the level of affection between us.  In fact, I crave the affection between us.  Because it's the most beautiful, platonic and profound relationship I've ever had.

But beyond him and my two sons, I'm uncomfortable in sharing my personal space and in general being hugged or touched, unless invited to do so.  I am involved in theatre where everybody hugs and is freely affectionate and I'm getting better at not flinching or evading these situations.

I originally thought "Oh I'm just not a very cuddly person" and that's okay.   But last week I agreed to dog sit for two dear friends and their dogs have zero sense of personal space.  I sat down on the lounge, they draped themselves over me.  I got up to walk to the kitchen, they followed behind, I went to the bathroom, they pawed at the closed door.  I went to bed, they tried to sleep right up near my head.  On the third night of this behaviour when Phyllis lay down in the crook of my knees and Basil laid up against my shoulders I lay there getting more and more tense, until I couldn't take it anymore.  I picked up Basil and Phyllis and deposited them at the very end of my bed and on the opposite side to me.  When I lay down I felt such a profound and overwhelming sense of relief that my space was mine again.

As I lay there, shoulders unclenching, breathing freely, the thought crossed my mind.  This is not healthy.  If you can't accept the affection of two beautiful, friendly puppies who want nothing from you accept your warmth and affection, then something is actually quite horribly wrong with you.

I'm a Space Oddity and I'm worried my circuit's dead and there's something wrong.

Time to get in touch with Ground Control, I think....

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

So I was raised in one of those very stoic-don't-show-any-kind-of-emotions type family.  Happy? Fine.  Angry? Fine. Frustrated? Fine.  These were acceptable to share with the general public and/or your family.

But other types of feelings, not so much. Hurt? Buck up.  Sad? Get over it. Vulnerable? Not interested.  As a person who tends to have all of the feelings all of the time, and as someone who likes to express themselves in order to be understood, this bottling up of emotions was very difficult for me.  But I learnt how; to a degree.

Then I got married to someone who would use any type of emotion I had as a weapon against me.  So I became awesome at really, truly burying the feelings quite deep and only applying logic.

Only the safe emotions were, and still are, ever expressed.  Happiness, anger and frustration.  Hilarious that the anger and frustration are considered safe, right?

Even at my brother's wedding when I got teary and my voice broke while I did a reading for him and his bride, a family member asked me why I got choked up about it.  (Gee guys,  I don't know, my brother only found the love of his life and married her - no reason at all, I guess.)

Consequently I find it difficult to say things like I love you, I need help, I'm feeling vulnerable.  Not only do I not say them, but I definitely don't show them.  (Except to my kids, and normally it's still expressed with a great deal of inappropriate humour.)

It can be a blessing.  When people truly hurt me, but are the sort of people who take pleasure in the pain they cause - they get no response from me.  Whatever trolls...

But lately, I find it a hindrance.  I have people in my life I care for.  I'd like to tell them what they mean to me.  The other day I just had to use the "L" word.  But the only way I could say it was gruffly, and in a sentence that ended with "stupid head".   So you know, it didn't quite sound the way I was feeling.  But I think the person understood.

My best friend is about to appear in a show.  A show that has meant a lot to me for many years.  It's a show that is raw and powerful and has the ability to make me cry in public.  Something I don't do.  Not even at funerals.

I know he's going to nail his performance.  I know I'm going to be a complete wreck through this show.  I also know that there is no way in hell I'll be talking to him publicly after the show.  He knows this.  Our mutual friends are going to be shocked after the show, because they will be expecting me to be the biggest cheerleader.

What they'll witness is he and I completely ignoring each other and looking decidedly disinterested about the whole thing.  Not because we don't feel anything, but because we feel too much.  And this is the only way we can cope with it.

Later, and very privately, he and I will talk about it.  Probably in the most roundabout of terms. Thankfully, with each other we're good at reading between the lines.

Because feelings.  People give you the feelings.  And feelings?  They're the worst.

Aren't they?

Falling in love again...

Remember that feeling when you first hold your newborn and you think this is the purest and most perfect love I will ever have for another human being?  Well, I think that's happening to me again.  Only my kids are now "Mum I'm nearly 14" and "Mum I'm 9 not 8".

The first few years of your children's lives are amazing.  Full of firsts.  First smile, first rollover, first steps, first tooth, first words are all super exciting.  Then come the toddler years and the first frustrations of parenthood really hit home.  Tantrums, boundaries,  disappointments (theirs and yours) and the sheen comes off somewhat.  It's not that you don't love them, just that the reality of the day to day life of living with little people hits home.

Then come the early school years which, I must admit, can be totally adorable.  But a lot of the time, at the end of the day you're dealing with a tired, cranky kid (even the best of them) and your nights can be full of planning strategies of coping.

Now that being said, my kids are pretty great.  They're not perfect.  There are days when I give myself timeouts from the petty arguments, the food spills and just the general noise that two boys can create in the space of one day.

But lately, I've found myself falling in love with them all over again.  Not that I fell out of love, ever. but certain ages presented certain challenges and the occasional testosterone charge made life...well...interesting.

But my nearly 14 year old is turning into one of the coolest kids I know.  I seriously would LIKE him even if he wasn't my kid.  He's smart, independent and has the driest sense of  humour that leaps out unexpectedly at you and has you snorting inelegantly at the dinner table, plus he does the meanest Irish accent I've ever heard.  He's also a total sports nut and watching him talk sport with men and being taken seriously is amazing. I also like that he deepens his voice a little when in a group of males.  I can see him "manifying" in front of me.  But he does sweet things like grab my hand when we're walking or offers his arm like an old-fashioned 19th century gentleman as we walk the dog.  This does juxtapose nicely with the fart joke he is telling me.

My I'm 9-not-8 year old is a different kettle of fish.  He lives on his own planet, but let me tell you it's a great place to visit.  I find myself having conversations with him that resemble Salvador Dali or Picasso paintings.  You're never quite sure what they mean, but they're definitely fun to analyse.  He's also quite willing to drop whatever he's doing and burst into song and dance with you at almost any occasion. (Gangnam style down the supermarket aisle anyone?).  He's also writing his first novel (he thinks it will take three years to finish the story arc he has in mind), but at the same time he hasn't grown out of singing as he poops from when he was a toddler. (It's how we got him to sit still long enough).  There's nothing funnier than hearing LMFAO's I'm Sexy and I Know It coming from your toilet.

So, even though life is not perfect and filled with conversations that start with "your room does not have a floordrobe" and "if I step on one more piece of freakin' lego" and "we do not put cheezels up your brothers nose" and "if you can't play without arguing I'll turn the G-DAMN WII OFF" I have to say that this time, right now, is the time I'm enjoying the most as a parent.

I'm not sure exactly why that is, I'm just grateful.  It could all change in an instant. Life's like that.

I wanna hold your hand...

I'm not 17 anymore...in fact I'm not even 40 anymore, but sometimes I still feel like I'm 17.  Like right now. Totes.  It's because I have a crush on a boy.  Okay - scratch that. I have a crush on a man.  A manly man.  A straight shooting, ambitious, strong, emotional, private, caring man. Having a crush on someone must be the most wonderfully torturous feeling in the world.  It's hard to think straight when you're deep in crush.  Especially if you happen to be around your crush.

Every look they shoot you, every word they say, every twist of the shoulder, every hand movement becomes significant (well if you're a woman at least!)

I think having a crush is the best feeling in the world.  It's full of potential.  No reality has set in, every flaw is endearing and life has promise.

Some people (eg my wolf pack) are quite frankly, sick to death of hearing about my crush.  One has even gone so far as to say that until I f*ck my crush they don't want to hear his name mentioned ever again. (Should I be crass?  Yeah, why not... I'd like to "oblige" my friend in this instance LOL winky emoticon).

The only problem with having a crush is not being able to act on it.  Yes, there are various reasons why I can't just say "Hey this is crazy but here's my number so call me maybe".  One of those reasons is that's a Carly Rae Jepsen song that's super annoying on the radio at the moment.  The other reasons...well that's for me to know!

So at the moment, I can honestly say that my life is pretty fantastic at the moment.  Potential and promise, dreams and fantasy are keeping me warm at night (along with Fifty Shades of Grey - yeah I know, tragic but I'm single so cut me some slack!)

So until my crush magically figures out that we would make an awesome couple, fictional characters and some late night daydreams will have to suffice (it's okay if some of them are about Matt LeNevez, right?)

But funnily enough all of the late night daydreams start with simply, just wanting to hold his hand.  The good ones don't end there.

Sweet dreams...