Space Oddity (Or Why You Shouldn't Touch Me or Get Too Close)

This is one of my favourite moments in my life.  I was on a boat, with two of my dear friends.  I'm sitting on the front of the boat (I'm sure it has a proper term, but I'm not very nautically knowledgeable).  My friends are behind me in the boat.  I'm surrounded by water and no one is invading my space.

I've slowly come to the realisation that I have a problem.  I don't like it when my personal space is invaded.  In fact, I need a lot of personal space.  More than what is probably "normal".  I like to maintain an invisible barrier between myself and everyone.

Now that barrier can be flexible.  For example: in a crowded lift, I understand that we are probably going to be less than an inch away from each other.  But if there's only two of us in the lift then you need to be more than arms length away from me.

I'm not overly affectionate either, except with those I truly love.  I'm not a fan of the casual touching.  If I'm meeting you for the first time I do not wish to hug you or kiss your cheek.  I'd prefer an arms length, firm handshake and then step back please.

If I have one friend over and there are two couches, please don't sit next to me on the same couch.  There is another couch over there, please deposit yourself on that one.  However if I have three friends over and my couch sits two each, then I'm more than happy for you to sit by my side.

I have a dog.  My dog knows I don't like my space invaded.  He will sit next to me on the couch, but at the far end, and will only move in close if I give the command.  He will only sit on me if I pat my lap or chest and grant permission and he understands that after 10 or so minutes he will probably need to move back to the other side of the couch.

My best friend's sister is like a sister to me.  And she's super-affectionate.  She will sit next to you on the couch and hold your hand.  She will stroke your shoulders or your hair.  She was raised in a family where affection was freely given and received.  The other day she grabbed my hand while we were watching television.  After 10 minutes I excused myself and made a cup of tea, just so I could stop holding hands without upsetting her.

I allow my two sons in my space and freely give and receive affection from them. I have never withheld any affection from them.  I'm also utterly comfortable with my best friend invading my space.  I love the level of affection between us.  In fact, I crave the affection between us.  Because it's the most beautiful, platonic and profound relationship I've ever had.

But beyond him and my two sons, I'm uncomfortable in sharing my personal space and in general being hugged or touched, unless invited to do so.  I am involved in theatre where everybody hugs and is freely affectionate and I'm getting better at not flinching or evading these situations.

I originally thought "Oh I'm just not a very cuddly person" and that's okay.   But last week I agreed to dog sit for two dear friends and their dogs have zero sense of personal space.  I sat down on the lounge, they draped themselves over me.  I got up to walk to the kitchen, they followed behind, I went to the bathroom, they pawed at the closed door.  I went to bed, they tried to sleep right up near my head.  On the third night of this behaviour when Phyllis lay down in the crook of my knees and Basil laid up against my shoulders I lay there getting more and more tense, until I couldn't take it anymore.  I picked up Basil and Phyllis and deposited them at the very end of my bed and on the opposite side to me.  When I lay down I felt such a profound and overwhelming sense of relief that my space was mine again.

As I lay there, shoulders unclenching, breathing freely, the thought crossed my mind.  This is not healthy.  If you can't accept the affection of two beautiful, friendly puppies who want nothing from you accept your warmth and affection, then something is actually quite horribly wrong with you.

I'm a Space Oddity and I'm worried my circuit's dead and there's something wrong.

Time to get in touch with Ground Control, I think....

When the war is over...

I had a bad moment with someone on the weekend. A relationship with a lot of history and one I have no choice but to continue. I limit this relationship to as few visits as possible and normally make sure others are around as a buffer zone. But I had no choice but one on one contact and it went as badly as expected.

I'm not going to discuss their behaviour; but its affect on me was profound. I let it affect me. Worse I let it affect a really good relationship I have.

I started off by feeling a little low, then I got a little anxious. Then I got a lot anxious. Then I had a panic attack. I managed to calm myself down but for the next day and a half I felt sick to my stomach.

I thought I had conquered the hold anxiety had on me. I thought I understood that one persons behaviour says more about them than me.  I thought it meant I was immune to letting that negativity in my head. Logic should always win, right? Wrong.

Now despite talking with my friend and knowing that everything is ok between us, I'm still sitting here not quite believing it, and with anxiety nipping at my insides.

It really sucks. It's a constant battle. But I'm determined to win the war.

We are family...or are we?

I need to state up front that I love my family.  I do.  They have, for better or worse, helped me to become the person I am today.   In some ways, it's despite them that I am the person I am today.  I have made conscious choices and decisions to live my life the way I do.  They helped me form my moral code.  Sometimes, their beliefs helped me form completely different moral codes from them.  But at the end of the day, these people don't get me and I don't get them.  I am trying to find a way to be okay with this.

Sometimes I'm comfortable with the fact that most of them have different political and social beliefs than me. After all, life would be boring if we were all the same. Sometimes I'm utterly outraged by the different stances they take.

There are conversational topics that I've learnt to avoid because who needs the stress of a family argument?  Sometimes I feel so moved by a topic that I have no choice but to speak my thoughts and then deal with the inevitable fall out.  These times are never good.

I've made life choices which with they disagree. I deal with the passive aggressive comments they throw at me because they don't have the balls to just confront me directly or have a conversation with me to try and understand why I've made the choices I've made.  They're not interested in the why's of my life.  As far as they're concerned I'm wrong, they're right and that's the end of it.  This is frustrating because I'm the type of person that tries to at least understand where the other person is coming from before I decide to live and let live.  I'm not afforded the same respect.  But I've made the choice to let this slide to keep the family peace. Sometimes it frustrates me to the point of screaming.  So I do.  To one or two trusted friends.  For a long time I just assumed this was the pull/push dynamic of families.

But recently, I've seen other families interact on a more intimate scale and I've come to realise that not all families are like mine.  Some actually love, support, understand and celebrate each other.  To me, this is a wondrous gift and one that should be treasured.  I must admit to a little bit of envy as I watch them lovingly tease each other, celebrate each others successes and support each other through the trying times.

It's around Christmas time that I become reflective about my family, because traditionally it's the time you spend with them.   But the people I want to spend time with this year, well it's not really my family.  It's my friends.  The family I've chosen for myself.  The people that I'm NOT related to, that I actually relate to.  It's taken me a while to find them, but boy am I grateful I have.

Oh no you didn't...

I recently had a night out with some great girlfriends.  We drove a couple of hours away from the city and spent the night in a lovely, little country pub.  The night started with tonnes of laughs on the drive up and capped off by a beautiful dinner in a quaint restaurant in the middle of nowhere.  .

We then moved on to a big country pub where we met up with a few more friends.  Hilariously, karaoke was the speciality of the night.  With a few bevies under the belt for a bit of dutch courage, nearly everyone in the group got up and showed off the inner rock star.  With voices ranging from "I can barely hold a tune" to "Holy crap you should try out for a reality singing competition tv show" everyone was having a barrel of laughs.

Lots of dancing was going on, both during and in between perfomances.  Tonnes of laughs and funny stories shared, new friends made and old friends bumped into.

It was an eclectic bunch of people from all walks of life and all ages that ended up being crowded into the little back bar in an Aussie country town.  No one was overly concerned that their hair wasn't perfect, their make up had slid down their face slightly and they had a slight sheen of sweat from dancing in the pub where the airconditioner struggled to keep the place cool.  This wasn't a hip, trendy little boho bar full of posers taking photos with their smartphones and pulling duck faces thinking it looked sexy (which, by the way, doesn't). If you went to the loo it was to pee, not to re-do your face so you look photoshop perfect for your upcoming facebook status.

This was unpretentious pub with a front bar full of old men who have sat on the same stool for 40 years, a dining room where you could a get a decent feed, families spilling onto the sidewalk with the kids running around with red, hot, happy faces and a little space out the back for wanna-be rock stars.

All in all the night had been a total hoot and one to remember with great one liners, moves like Jagger, and a brilliantly off-key rendition of Paradise by the Dashboard Light sung with gusto by a much loved up and very cute younger couple.

It was 20 minutes to closing and the bartender had yelled last drinks and the lights were slowly coming up when it happened.  It may sound like nothing to you but it's exactly what pisses me off about going out.

I felt an arm close around my body and a sweaty armpit press up against my side.  The gesture was incredibly familiar.  The way I was being touched is the way I would expect only a partner, family member or very close friend to touch me.  I turned to look into the eyes of a complete stranger.  A drunk, sweaty man who grinned self-assuredly at me.  I raised an eyebrow in haughty disbelief.  He loosened his hold a little but still kept his unwanted arm around me.  I moved away and turned my face away from him.  To me, a clear sign he could move on and leave me be.  But no, that wasn't to be.  He then asked if he could buy me a drink.  I looked him directly in the eyes and said in a calm but firm voice "no thank you".  He said "Hey I came over here to chat you up.  You look like a 'friendly' girl to me."  The emphasis on 'friendly' and his tone clearly indicated that what he really thought was 'easy'.  His body language and tone made it clear he thought he was doing me a favour by talking to me.  I replied "Well. Appearances can be deceiving can't they?" My tone clearly indicated that his attentions were unwelcome. I won't go into details about the dead end conversation that followed, but I eventually made it clear that I wasn't interested and he moved away and bitched to his friend that I was a stuck up whore. Nice.

I don't have many rules in my life - but manners are one of them.  Oh yeah these two are pretty important to me as well.

Rule No.1  Don't approach me at closing time.  I've been there all night, you had plenty of time to get to know me during the evening and discover I'm not a girl with low self-esteem waiting for you to arrive just before midnight and make my night.

Rule No.2  Don't touch me unless I've said it's okay.  I appreciate that people may differ on this one.  But for me, getting up in my personal space and touching me with familiarity is NOT okay unless I know you really well.

When you break these rules (or simple manners as I prefer to think of them) you're telling me you have no respect for me as a person.  You're telling me all you want is a one night, no questions asked, get up in the morning, never see you again encounter.   And I'm not okay with that.  Because I wasn't put on this earth to be your one night play thing.  So treat me with respect thanks.  That's all I'm asking.