You ain't never had a friend like me

This my gay pretend-husband and I at our joint birthday/pretend-wedding celebration.  Or as our friends know it - Bec and Daniel celebrating being Bec and Daniel.  I'm a straight 44 year old woman.  He's a gay 27 year old man - and we're besties.

There really is nothing quite like the friendship between a gay man and a straight woman.  It's not quite siblings, it's not quite friends, it's not quite lovers, but at the same time it's also kind of all three at once (without the sex).  Okay, okay, I'm willing to admit - maybe this is like this, just for us.

I can be myself around him.  Warts and all.  There's no judgement.  Maybe it's because he's gay and he's faced judgement in his life and he's determined not to inflict that on others.  (Okay - with one exception - he'll judge what I'm wearing.  But normally his fashion advice is spot on.)  Is that stereotypical?  I don't know.  I trust him to be honest with me.  He'll let me know if an outfit is working or not.  Clearly the outfit in this photo totally works....for a dress up party.

We watch Disney films together and sing all the parts (sometimes he's the girl - we switch according to the key range).  This embarrasses my kids, but we love it.  We go to the movies together and we watch musicals and action adventure equally.

He drinks wine, I drink beer, we both like scotch a lot.  We love a quiet Friday night in eating pizza in our trakkies as much as getting all glammed up for a fabulous new bar.  We both LOVE food. To excess.  We're both happy to rub each other's bellies when we've over-eaten all the good stuff.  Cheese. OMG we both love cheese.

I can talk to him about anything to do with sex (SEXY TIME QUESTIONS is the funnest game ever.)  We argue about politics, we ramble on about tv shows, we randomly sing songs at each other.  We can look at each other from across the room and know what each other is thinking.  Sometimes I feel like we're two halves of the same coin.  His wonderful partner Simon, has said to me that he knew when he came on the scene that he had to pass muster with me if Daniel and he were to work out.  If ever someone comes on the scene for me - well they'll have to pass muster with Daniel.  He trusts me to see what he can't and vice versa.  He messages me during the day and sometimes we even message each other the same message at exactly the same time. We're HILARIOUS with the back and forth.  Others may not think so, but as he'd say "they'd be wrong".

I've had a rough trot with friends in the past. Sometimes I've had friends that seem to be in competition with me.  I'm not sure what we're competing for.  Sometimes I've had friends who only seem to be there for the successes and not the failures.  They haven't lasted long.  Sometimes I've had friends who are only interested in what they can get from me and never give back.  Actually, now that I think about it I'm not sure any of the above qualifies as friendship.

But with Daniel I feel equal, I feel accepted, I feel loved.  So I just want to celebrate him for a bit.  And as he'll tell you - he's worth it.

Alice in Wonderland (or Alice? Alice? Who the f*ck is Alice?)

I have a knack for attracting strange people.  Okay lets be more specific: strange men.  I'm single. I date. But the last six men I've gone out on dates with have been decidedly...weird.

Now I'd like to think of myself as a fairly non-judgemental person (unless you drive a 4WD and have never been off-road and only drive your big-ass mofo machine within a 10km radius of your home - in which case I TOTALLY judge you).  But overall, I think I'm a fairly "live and let live" kind of person.  As long your lifestyle choices don't hurt yourself or others, go in peace I say.

But I offer up these five men as "what not to do" examples for first dates in a "slightly judgy, but I hope you're all doing really well now" kind of way...

1.  YOU ARE NOT CHRISTIAN GREY.

Please don't tell me on the first date that you are millionaire who studied at Oxford and paid his way through Oxford by starring in porn films.

Yes.  I was seriously told that.  I think the guy thought by saying that he would come across as rich, smart and sexy.   It didn't work.


2.  EXCESS BAGGAGE ANYONE?

I went out with a nice man who was five years older than me.  So to be kind, lets say mid-40s.  We met for coffee and chatted about life.  The conversation flowed smoothly and I thought at the end of the date, yes I could see you again for another coffee (please note I was not planning a wedding or happily ever after).  But at the end of the night you very honestly told me that you preferred women under the age of 25 as they had less baggage, but it was very nice meeting me.

Well, at least he was honest.

3. WEE WEE WEE ALL THE WAY HOME

This guy I met online, against my better judgement, but I followed all the rules and after exchanging emails for a few weeks and discovering a very mutual love of films and a similar sense of humour we agreed to meet for a drink.  I'm not sure if you had a urinary tract infection or a cocaine sniffing problem or if you were simply nervous, but you averaged a trip to the toilet every 8.5 minutes (yes I timed you because after the fifth time I was concerned).  Our date lasted 2.5 hours and you went to the toilet around 15 times.

 Aside from that you were really rather nice, quiet and funny and nervous wee's aren't a deal breaker for me.  But you disappeared off the face of the earth after that afternoon.  I hope you got some antibiotics for the urinary tract infection.  That's what I like to think was the problem. And you know, not cocaine.

4. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

This guy was a friend of a friend and he came and picked me up for dinner and he bought flowers and that was really old school and sweet.  We ate dinner at a quirky Italian restaurant and talked about travel.  All was going well until whatever you ate didn't agree with you and you had...errr...tummy troubles.

I never heard from you again. I assume because you were so embarrassed about getting diarrhea.  It never would have worked with us anyway because I like fart humour a lot.  And if that made you squeamish, well....

5. CALL WILFRED BRIMLEY

Diabeetus.  It doesn't mix well with alcohol.  Please don't tell me on the first date that you are definitely a "not in recovery alcoholic with diabeetus".  Please, please call Wilfred Brimley and get that shit sorted.

6.  DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

I honestly felt like Alice in Wonderland when the latest guy I went out with started to tell me his conspiracy theories (although he corrected me and said he was a conspiracy FACTIST).  He explained to me about the studies he was doing into the Australian Government and legal system and he was now "down the rabbit hole".  Conspiracy theories included, but were not limited to:
a) how corrupt our legal system is and how you can fight any charge you're up on by citing the King James bible because if the prosecuting side fight it, it is considered treason against the Queen
b) how our government is formed illegally and is really run by and registered to American corporations
c) how even though I consider myself a person, I'm really chattel to those corporations as proven by the fact that my name on my drivers licence is written in capitals
d) and how so many of our legal words are based on the language of the sea - as in it's a birth (berth) certificate and you go to the doctors (dock-tors).

My favourite part was when you said to me "if I ever commit suicide you'll know they got me".

Now I know how to answer the one question smug married's ask me at parties. "So. How's single life?"
Have you got any great dating stories?

Oh no you didn't...

I recently had a night out with some great girlfriends.  We drove a couple of hours away from the city and spent the night in a lovely, little country pub.  The night started with tonnes of laughs on the drive up and capped off by a beautiful dinner in a quaint restaurant in the middle of nowhere.  .

We then moved on to a big country pub where we met up with a few more friends.  Hilariously, karaoke was the speciality of the night.  With a few bevies under the belt for a bit of dutch courage, nearly everyone in the group got up and showed off the inner rock star.  With voices ranging from "I can barely hold a tune" to "Holy crap you should try out for a reality singing competition tv show" everyone was having a barrel of laughs.

Lots of dancing was going on, both during and in between perfomances.  Tonnes of laughs and funny stories shared, new friends made and old friends bumped into.

It was an eclectic bunch of people from all walks of life and all ages that ended up being crowded into the little back bar in an Aussie country town.  No one was overly concerned that their hair wasn't perfect, their make up had slid down their face slightly and they had a slight sheen of sweat from dancing in the pub where the airconditioner struggled to keep the place cool.  This wasn't a hip, trendy little boho bar full of posers taking photos with their smartphones and pulling duck faces thinking it looked sexy (which, by the way, doesn't). If you went to the loo it was to pee, not to re-do your face so you look photoshop perfect for your upcoming facebook status.

This was unpretentious pub with a front bar full of old men who have sat on the same stool for 40 years, a dining room where you could a get a decent feed, families spilling onto the sidewalk with the kids running around with red, hot, happy faces and a little space out the back for wanna-be rock stars.

All in all the night had been a total hoot and one to remember with great one liners, moves like Jagger, and a brilliantly off-key rendition of Paradise by the Dashboard Light sung with gusto by a much loved up and very cute younger couple.

It was 20 minutes to closing and the bartender had yelled last drinks and the lights were slowly coming up when it happened.  It may sound like nothing to you but it's exactly what pisses me off about going out.

I felt an arm close around my body and a sweaty armpit press up against my side.  The gesture was incredibly familiar.  The way I was being touched is the way I would expect only a partner, family member or very close friend to touch me.  I turned to look into the eyes of a complete stranger.  A drunk, sweaty man who grinned self-assuredly at me.  I raised an eyebrow in haughty disbelief.  He loosened his hold a little but still kept his unwanted arm around me.  I moved away and turned my face away from him.  To me, a clear sign he could move on and leave me be.  But no, that wasn't to be.  He then asked if he could buy me a drink.  I looked him directly in the eyes and said in a calm but firm voice "no thank you".  He said "Hey I came over here to chat you up.  You look like a 'friendly' girl to me."  The emphasis on 'friendly' and his tone clearly indicated that what he really thought was 'easy'.  His body language and tone made it clear he thought he was doing me a favour by talking to me.  I replied "Well. Appearances can be deceiving can't they?" My tone clearly indicated that his attentions were unwelcome. I won't go into details about the dead end conversation that followed, but I eventually made it clear that I wasn't interested and he moved away and bitched to his friend that I was a stuck up whore. Nice.

I don't have many rules in my life - but manners are one of them.  Oh yeah these two are pretty important to me as well.

Rule No.1  Don't approach me at closing time.  I've been there all night, you had plenty of time to get to know me during the evening and discover I'm not a girl with low self-esteem waiting for you to arrive just before midnight and make my night.

Rule No.2  Don't touch me unless I've said it's okay.  I appreciate that people may differ on this one.  But for me, getting up in my personal space and touching me with familiarity is NOT okay unless I know you really well.

When you break these rules (or simple manners as I prefer to think of them) you're telling me you have no respect for me as a person.  You're telling me all you want is a one night, no questions asked, get up in the morning, never see you again encounter.   And I'm not okay with that.  Because I wasn't put on this earth to be your one night play thing.  So treat me with respect thanks.  That's all I'm asking.