Fabulous is as fabulous does

So I'm invited (luckily and thankfully - I'm not complaining) to a lot of do's where everyone is married, or at the very least "coupled up".  Recently at a party hosted by friends by SHE and HE, I walked into the room and immediately realised there were three separate parties happening in one place. 

HIS in one corner, HERS in the other and THEIRS near the bar and never the twain shall meet.  The thing is, having known HER for over 20 years and HIM for at least 10, I knew everyone in the room. I had that moment when I realised the great thing about being ONE (instead of DUO/TWO/COUPLE) was the fact that I could talk to HIS, HERS and THEIRS without incurring the wrath of any significant OTHER.  Now not all OTHERS are wrathful, but having been a TWO once upon a time, I am aware that more often than not at the end of a social event, there are words to be had, problems to be solved, apologies to be made and all over, what seems to me, the art of being social.

I honestly believe at the end of this particular event, I had the most fun out of all the attendees.

 You see HERS congregated together, the husbands hovering close so as not to incur the wrath of wives later on, the wives forming a close knit circle of "keep away from us" (really meaning keep away from my man).  HIS were mainly blokes who stood around talking footy, drinking beer and telling off jokes and THEIRS in yet another circle talking THEIR hobbies (insert every bad renovation story you've ever had the misfortune to listen to).

Now, because I'm unattached and have been invited to functions of just HERS and because I like sport and beer I often hang around HIS and because I'm a great friend I get invited to tag along with THEIRS, I'm friends with everybody and realise this is all because I'm SINGLE.  This phenonmenon wouldn't have occured had I been COUPLED.

I got to catch up with HERS and talk school/kids/jobs.  I got to laugh at funny jokes and talk footy with HIS.  I got to share political views and talk a variety of subjects with THEIR (once I steered the conversation away from renovations).  I can honestly say that at the end of the night, I had mingled the most, made new friends and had the best time out of all the people there, with no post party recriminations from an angry/ignored/insecure partner.

I also had the line most single people...no scratch that...single women hear whenever they are out: "But you're so FABULOUS...how can you be single?"  Well, the answer is simple.  As a single women, I am, in some ways, forced constantly out of my comfort zone (please note not all single women do this) and go to different venues, explore new options, create new experiences, have a wide circle of friends and generally get out of the house a lot.  I've noticed (and yes to a degree I generalise) that when coupled up, the tendency is to become insular, close the circle of friends, stick to safe activities designed to avoid arguments in the car later on and get super, nice and comfy in a predictable routine (not that there's anything wrong with that). 

I just wish COUPLES would realise when they say "but you're so fabulous" that in a way it's like them saying "you can only be fabulous if you're in a couple and we're amazed you're not one of us".  I have to be honest, with the exception of a few of my COUPLED friends, most COUPLES I meet are fairly predictable because they hit the comfort zone and stay there.  But the single people I meet? Well aside from one or two, most of the ones I've met are truly amazing.  They are out chasing dreams, goals, broadening horizons, travelling, open to trying new things and ready to go with the flow.  They have a variety of interests, hobbies that extend beyond their kids, their renovations and the latest dvd they watched.  Granted this is often because they haven't found the one that will keep them on the couch watching a DVD they spent 20 minutes arguing over...oops I mean choosing.  It can be too easy to fall into a safe routine that keeps everyone from arguing.

This has recently happened to another friend of mine who is in the throws of a relatively recent relationship.  She doesn't go out much anymore, they tend to only see the friends both of them like, watch safe movies and occasionally go out to dinner with other couples.  This is because they fight if they go out.  She has told me this.  If they go to a pub he gets in trouble for checking out the pretty young things in short dresses. However it's okay for her to look at the male pretty young things because that's not sexist.  They don't hang around her single friends because he ignores her in an effort to get along with her friends.  They don't hang out with his single friends, because they are beer drinking pigs and he changes when he's around them.  He doesn't like her movie choices, she doesn't like the footy club.  He doesn't like a couple of her girlfriends, she doesn't like the couples that were friends with his ex-wife.  They are all boring housewives according to her (never mind she's slowly morphing into this as we speak).  Now there's nothing wrong with becoming that if that's your choice - but don't whine to me about how boring these women are while turning into one.

Now I'm not anti-marriage/happy couples, nor am I ragingly pro-single.  I do have a couple of issues though.  Why do a lot of single people who push boundaries, get out of comfort zones, who live life to the full decide it's okay to give this away the moment a romance becomes a priority?  Why can't you combine both?  Why can't you live an exciting life and be happily ensconced with the one you love?  I don't see why this needs to be mutually exclusive.  Isn't the reason you fell in love with the other person in the first place because of all the things they did/do/enjoy?  At exactly which point does the fabulously interesting person become a threat to a couples happiness?  Why does it become okay to settle for less than amazing?  Why are there arguments over all the great things that attracted you in the first place?  I've been single long enough to know that I will struggle with any person who will want me to quit the things I love, and stop being the person I've become in order for them to be comfortable on the couch.  I need someone who's going to be excited about coming on the journey I'm on.  I know I'm going to be excited about being their travel partner on their journey.

So please, remember, you're not fabulous because you're married or single.  Fabulous is as fabulous does.

Cat Food and Sad Movies

I find it interesting being a single woman who has just reached her 40s.  Apparently it's all cat food and sad movies for the rest of my life.  When I meet married couples for the first time, it's invariably the woman who susses out my relationship status. Then she, for the most part, (there are some rare exceptions) falls into two categories.


The first category is  'The Women Who Pity'.  These women treat me like I'm some bizarre failure for not being in relationship.  I'm quizzed on my past relationships, current dating habits and future goals for finding a husband so I can be a whole person.  Silly me for thinking I already am.


The Second Category is 'The Women Who Run'.  This is generally the wife who immediately grabs her husband and finds an excuse to no longer talk to me.   Clearly, all I'm waiting for is for the wife to leave the husband in front of the dip plate to make my move.  




Oh yeah, that's right - I'm not.


Most people find it weird that I'm happy being single.  So much so, that I've actually stopped saying it.  I'm either not believed or treated like a bra-burning, extreme, man-hating feminist.  Let me set you straight on that.  I'm not a liar and I don't hate men. So, in a scenario which is quite different from a famous scene in Sex and the City where Miranda comes clean with the simple statement that she's not seeing anybody, I say something else.  I say it would be a wonderful favour if people would keep an eye out for someone suitable.  This charade has the added bonus of letting the insecure wives know I'm not after their husbands and makes 'The Women Who Pity' feel useful.  Possibly one day, it may even have the bonus of helping me to actually meet someone suitable, but as yet, no luck.


Now here's the killer: I would like to be in a relationship.  But that doesn't mean I'm unhappy being single.  I'm not.  There's so much to love about my life and how it is now. So I'm not about to settle for something less than amazing.  There are a lot of theories out there that say I shouldn't wait for Mr Perfect but instead find Mr Acceptable and settle down into something nice and comfortable.  I disagree.That's how I ended up divorced in the first place. Now  I'm not looking for some movie version of perfect romance.  It's just that I have a really great life and I don't see any reason to bring someone that doesn't fit, into that life, just to make others feel more comfortable.   Being single does not equate to being a failure.


You see, I have a job that I truly adore.  I work with people that I admire, respect and enjoy working with.  I actually hate being sick, because I enjoy going to work!  I have an amazing family that I see once a week for family dinner which is filled with stimulating discussions, silly arguments and great food.  I have two great kids that keep me young, teach me, push me, pull me, challenge me and keep me laughing.  I have inspiring friends who support and uplift me.  I have a hobby which takes me out of the house twice a week and keeps me fit. I volunteer in the arts which emotionally and spiritually fills me up.  I have so much love and laughter in my life, at work, at home and at play that when I do find love, (yes I believe it's a when not an if) it will find the right slot and be one more facet of an already uplifting, interesting, fun, giving and amazing life. Wouldn't Oprah be proud?


I’ve been told to go on line and join a dating website. No.  I've been there, done that.  Never again.  I'm sure there are some genuinely nice people on it seeking love, but I didn't have any luck.  More than that, I discovered that I am much more old fashioned and organic than that.  I don't think it's how I'll find someone to love. But to those who do, I wish you the best.  It's just not for me and I'm a firm believer in each to his own. So bless and thumbs up to those for whom it has worked.  Besides I've tried describing my "perfect" partner in one paragraph and at the end it reads like my perfect man is really a gay man, who can talk footy and f*ck women.  I think he's a cross between Kurt and Puck from Glee, with a dash of David from Moonlighting. They're a dime a dozen, aren't they?


My eldest kid is currently learning about stereotypes at school and is busy writing expositions about how stereotypes can damage the society we live in.  I've had to bite my tongue and let him find his own examples.  Although, at times I feel I have neon lights above my head saying 'SINGLE WOMAN IN HER 40S! WATCH OUT! DESPERATION IN PROGRESS!'   It seems that society needs to see me that way in order to feel more comfortable.  After all, each of us has role to play. Apparently.


But if you don't mind I might put off the cat food and sad movies for a few years yet.  I know that my boobs are getting saggier, my arse is definitely closer to the ground than it was 15 years ago, my hangovers seem twice as bad as they used to and I find myself listening to more talkback radio, (the day I talk back it's over) but I don't think I'm ready for the scrap heap just yet.  Being single is just a tiny aspect of my life.  


I'm sure one day a fella's gonna wander into my life, (somehow, someway, lets not stress about the details) we'll bond over our strange love of Sci-Fi and Scrabble and our intense dislike of Naked Gun movies and gardening, find out we can live with each other’s imperfections, love and laugh in the bedroom and decide to give the romance thing a whirl.   But if he doesn't, I still won't resort to becoming crazy cat lady or Miss Havisham. 


I'm pretty sure for the rest of my life I'm going to be an interesting person who leads an interesting life.  Why?  It's because I love learning.  I love challenging myself.  The good thing about me?  I don’t sit around whining about how bored I am.  I get off the couch and find something to do and I can't see that changing anytime soon.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch Twilight and eat clinkers on the couch, in my jammies, under my snuggie, with my exfoliating apricot face mask, that is if I can kick the cat....er dog off the couch.