Quiet on set...

(This is Al Pacacino relaxing between takes on the set of 'Two Weeks')

I just spent the last six days on a film set.  It was amazing.  A cast of four, a crew of twelve.  A short-film.  An experience I'll never forget.

I've been on a film set before.  But I was learning to crew and so focused on just getting my bit right, that I never really took in the whole experience.

But this time I was the "talent".  So my job didn't start until the camera started rolling.  That means there was a bit of waiting around for sets to be dressed, shots to be organised, cameras to set up, lighting to organise.

I felt wide-eyed and in the way sometimes watching this crew work their magic to turn night into day, make lighting look natural, lay cables, tape up marks and a myriad of other things.

I won't lie, it was intimidating in a way knowing that all their hard work was for one reason - to capture the actors performance.

The short story was an intense one.  A family break up, a husband's despair, a wife's frustration, and the children coming to grips with their world falling apart.

I was amazed by the young girl, Ashley, who played my movie daughter.  She played the rebellious, sulking, angry teenager to a tee.  I know her performance helped me find a level of anxiety I needed to find in some scenes.  My movie husband's performance of a hapless, weak, desperate man helped me dig deep to find frustration and repulsion.

Thankfully no one was overtly method in their approach and we could relax between takes, pulling the emotional intensity together when we heard the words "QUIET ON SET".  Taking that moment to find your character between that moment and when the director yelled "ACTION".

Some of the perks were pretty fun too.  Someone there to take care of all our needs.  Thirsty? Hungry? Hot? Cold?  Our First AD would organise everything we needed to make sure we were comfortable on set.  (I'm not sure I can convince my children to keep doing that for me now I'm at home!)

But what I enjoyed most of all, was finding the character of Marnie.  A determined, steely, hard-ass.  A woman frustrated by her life.  A woman seeking change.  A woman dealing with the consequences of her decisions.  Most people aren't going to find her character sympathetic at all.  But it was fun finding her.  It was fun playing her.  It was fun not being me for a while.

The last day of shooting was a long one.  It started at midday and ended at midnight.  The final scenes I shot were very emotional.  I was staying with a friend and I went back to their place and just crawled under the sheets and crashed.  I was that wrecked.  Emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Driving home from the shoot the next day, I cried the whole way home.  I cried because it was sad it was over, I cried because I think even though the movie won't show this part - I think she would have cried as she drove away from her family.  I cried because even though finding Marnie was difficult, letting her go was harder.

Today I am back to real life, and even though it was less than 24 hours ago. It already feels a lifetime away.

Now begins the long impatient wait while the crew edit the film before it's release.  The fun is only just beginning for them.  I can't wait to see it!

There's no business like show business

Two weeks.  That's the name of the movie I start acting in tomorrow.  Yep. That's right. I'm moving from stage to screen (HA!)

It's a short film  about a woman who chooses to leave her marriage and children.  The children are going to remain with the dad for the most part, but the mum will have access.  It's a scenario played out in real life all too often.

The movie is told from the teenage daughter's perspective.    My character, the mum, comes across like a cold, hard bitch.  She's had enough. She wants out.

It's going to be interesting playing this role, because I've been through a divorce.  It's just that I was on the other side of it.

The last few months, learning lines and researching my character has been very interesting.  It's made me understand my ex-husband so much better.  Oh, there's lots of things I'll never understand, don't get me wrong.  There are some behaviours you can never excuse.

But I think I understand a little better the process he went through to make the decision to leave his marriage and his kids.

I understand now it wasn't as black and white as what I thought. There are always shades of grey.  Not 50 in this case....maybe just 49.

Behind Enemy Lines

Christmas is always a difficult holiday.  It involves family.  The stress of a holiday and family together often brings out the worst in people.  It's worse if you're divorced.

My Ex and I have always had a gentlemen's agreement when it comes to Christmas.  We try and make sure that each year one of us has breakfast and lunch with the kidlets and the other late afternoon and dinner.  There's always arguments.

Both sides of the family end up unhappy.  Each family feels hard done by.  Each family feels the other gets the better deal.  Each family thinks the other parent is the "grinch who stole Christmas" from them.

I'm here to say otherwise.  As a person - one of the values I hold highest is family.  Therefore I couldn't hurt my childrens "other" family.  I wouldn't be able to live with myself if my motive was to hurt them, because by hurting them -  I hurt my kids.  I didn't suffer through 9 months of morning sickness and truly horrendous labours to inflict pain on to my kids.

Each family involved in this Christmas dispute has their own perspective.  One side believes the other is hardly involved in the kids life so don't deserve them on this special holiday.  One side believes the kids are monopolised by the other side and therefore never get a look in.

I'm stuck in the middle.  I believe my kids should be able to see both sides of the family.  I believe it takes cooperation and understanding.  I believe clear enough communication early on means it's possible to keep everyone happy.  Unfortunately not everyone shares this view.  And this is when avoidable situations and arguments occur.

The reality is that divorce is painful. The reality is that no person is evil. The reality is that everyone at some stage misses out on important stuff that a "traditional, nuclear" family probably don't miss out on.

The reality is that a divorced family and the extended families involved will never be "complete".  It sucks.  It sucks most of all for the kids who love everybody and shouldn't be shamed or guilted into feeling that one side of the family is better than the other.

The worst part in all this drama is that it's so far from the spirit of Christmas that this time of year does nothing for me except cause extreme anxiety and heartache.  What was once my favourite holiday in the whole world  is now something ugly and spiteful laced with emotional manipulation and name calling.  I now just long for Christmas to be over so it can be put behind me.

I hope to god that the anxiety and heartache I feel is well hidden from my kidlets, because I want them to enjoy this day.  I want them to grow up with same sense of excitement and wonder I always felt - even as an adult.  It's been 7 years since I've enjoyed Christmas and I hope to one day enjoy it again.

I'd like to feel "peace on earth and mercy mild",  with "God and sinners reconciled".

So this Christmas, please, remember to be grateful for your family - no matter how erratic, hare-brained, annoying, loud, patronising or obnoxious they may be.  Because - trust me - you don't want to be dealing with your ex-family, arguing over who gets to spend Christmas with the kids.

When the dream is over...

I'm a divorced single parent.  It's safe to say I've had a few dreams about my life that have been dashed against the rocks of life.  But it's not the end of dreaming.  It's just that the dream changes.

I've a younger friend.  She's in her early 20s.  She's recently hit an age when she realised the dreams that she had as a teenager for her life, may not be possible.

Remember what it's like to be a teenager?  So assured that by 20 you'll have this career, by 25 you'll have that love life, by 30 you'll be financially secure, life will be firmly established and you'll be living the dream.  I remember being that teenager.  I was going to be a writer.  I was going to be living in California and writing amazing novels that flew off the shelves and straight onto the best seller lists.  I was going to be alone, certainly not married, but dating a never ending stream of men who were as fascinated by me as I was by them, but never, ever, tied down.

Fast forward to age 20 and I was a filing clerk for an accounting firm.  Fast forward to 25 I was married and sitting on the couch on the weekends.  Fast forward to 30 I'm a dumbstruck, sleep deprived parent. Fast forward to 35 I'm a divorced single parent with a mattress, some clothes and a pointless wedding ring to my name and thinking HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?

It wasn't until my marriage ended and I was left with nothing to my name, not a single asset and only the clothes on my back that I was forced out of my stupor and actually started to think about what dreams I had for myself and how I could now achieve them, alone, responsible for two kids and with a nary a penny to call my own.  Well, colour me stupid, but I've always responded best with my back to the wall and the world screaming "You Can't Do That".  One year later, I was back at school stuyding film/tv/radio/multi-media, producing an amateur film, working on local tv as a film reviewer, 20 kilos lighter and loving my crazy, new life.

But one thing I did realise was that even though I did kinda get to where I wanted to get with my new dream, my old dream was over.  My friend however, can still give it a shot.  She's single, not tied down, has supportive parents and supportive friends.  She had big ol' knock down, cry your eyes out vent to me.  How on earth could she be 26 and not be where she expected to be?  How could she still be working part-time and only able to achieve her acting ambitions on the amateur theatre stage?  When did it stall?  When did it falter?  How is she still where she was, when she was 20?

I told her I had the same meltdown moment.  With one glaring difference.  I was 35 and had two kids in tow. I had to change my dream to be able to live it.  She can still get there.  Now it's just up to her to grab it with both hands and don't let the fear take hold.

The upshot is at the end of the meltdown and with a renewed sense of purpose, she and I are going to put our heads together and create our little piece of something special. Hey, maybe it will never be anything other than a document on the computer somewhere.  Maybe it will just be a writing pad with scribbled ideas of the newly excited - but we're both excited about being excited about our lives.

The joy of dreams is - they are just that.  Ever changing, ever evolving, exciting thoughts for our future with an occasional underwear clad talking goat.  I'm so  glad that my old dream died.  I got in the way of my dream, I got in the way of my life for a little while (yep, you read that right, life did not get in my way...let's get that straight!).  But in the end, it was a blessing, because I had to know myself, before I could know what dream was right for me.  Now that I do - I just have to make it happen.  And I'm just the sort of stubborn, arrogant, know it all, organiser from hell who can get it done.

Cat Food and Sad Movies

I find it interesting being a single woman who has just reached her 40s.  Apparently it's all cat food and sad movies for the rest of my life.  When I meet married couples for the first time, it's invariably the woman who susses out my relationship status. Then she, for the most part, (there are some rare exceptions) falls into two categories.


The first category is  'The Women Who Pity'.  These women treat me like I'm some bizarre failure for not being in relationship.  I'm quizzed on my past relationships, current dating habits and future goals for finding a husband so I can be a whole person.  Silly me for thinking I already am.


The Second Category is 'The Women Who Run'.  This is generally the wife who immediately grabs her husband and finds an excuse to no longer talk to me.   Clearly, all I'm waiting for is for the wife to leave the husband in front of the dip plate to make my move.  




Oh yeah, that's right - I'm not.


Most people find it weird that I'm happy being single.  So much so, that I've actually stopped saying it.  I'm either not believed or treated like a bra-burning, extreme, man-hating feminist.  Let me set you straight on that.  I'm not a liar and I don't hate men. So, in a scenario which is quite different from a famous scene in Sex and the City where Miranda comes clean with the simple statement that she's not seeing anybody, I say something else.  I say it would be a wonderful favour if people would keep an eye out for someone suitable.  This charade has the added bonus of letting the insecure wives know I'm not after their husbands and makes 'The Women Who Pity' feel useful.  Possibly one day, it may even have the bonus of helping me to actually meet someone suitable, but as yet, no luck.


Now here's the killer: I would like to be in a relationship.  But that doesn't mean I'm unhappy being single.  I'm not.  There's so much to love about my life and how it is now. So I'm not about to settle for something less than amazing.  There are a lot of theories out there that say I shouldn't wait for Mr Perfect but instead find Mr Acceptable and settle down into something nice and comfortable.  I disagree.That's how I ended up divorced in the first place. Now  I'm not looking for some movie version of perfect romance.  It's just that I have a really great life and I don't see any reason to bring someone that doesn't fit, into that life, just to make others feel more comfortable.   Being single does not equate to being a failure.


You see, I have a job that I truly adore.  I work with people that I admire, respect and enjoy working with.  I actually hate being sick, because I enjoy going to work!  I have an amazing family that I see once a week for family dinner which is filled with stimulating discussions, silly arguments and great food.  I have two great kids that keep me young, teach me, push me, pull me, challenge me and keep me laughing.  I have inspiring friends who support and uplift me.  I have a hobby which takes me out of the house twice a week and keeps me fit. I volunteer in the arts which emotionally and spiritually fills me up.  I have so much love and laughter in my life, at work, at home and at play that when I do find love, (yes I believe it's a when not an if) it will find the right slot and be one more facet of an already uplifting, interesting, fun, giving and amazing life. Wouldn't Oprah be proud?


I’ve been told to go on line and join a dating website. No.  I've been there, done that.  Never again.  I'm sure there are some genuinely nice people on it seeking love, but I didn't have any luck.  More than that, I discovered that I am much more old fashioned and organic than that.  I don't think it's how I'll find someone to love. But to those who do, I wish you the best.  It's just not for me and I'm a firm believer in each to his own. So bless and thumbs up to those for whom it has worked.  Besides I've tried describing my "perfect" partner in one paragraph and at the end it reads like my perfect man is really a gay man, who can talk footy and f*ck women.  I think he's a cross between Kurt and Puck from Glee, with a dash of David from Moonlighting. They're a dime a dozen, aren't they?


My eldest kid is currently learning about stereotypes at school and is busy writing expositions about how stereotypes can damage the society we live in.  I've had to bite my tongue and let him find his own examples.  Although, at times I feel I have neon lights above my head saying 'SINGLE WOMAN IN HER 40S! WATCH OUT! DESPERATION IN PROGRESS!'   It seems that society needs to see me that way in order to feel more comfortable.  After all, each of us has role to play. Apparently.


But if you don't mind I might put off the cat food and sad movies for a few years yet.  I know that my boobs are getting saggier, my arse is definitely closer to the ground than it was 15 years ago, my hangovers seem twice as bad as they used to and I find myself listening to more talkback radio, (the day I talk back it's over) but I don't think I'm ready for the scrap heap just yet.  Being single is just a tiny aspect of my life.  


I'm sure one day a fella's gonna wander into my life, (somehow, someway, lets not stress about the details) we'll bond over our strange love of Sci-Fi and Scrabble and our intense dislike of Naked Gun movies and gardening, find out we can live with each other’s imperfections, love and laugh in the bedroom and decide to give the romance thing a whirl.   But if he doesn't, I still won't resort to becoming crazy cat lady or Miss Havisham. 


I'm pretty sure for the rest of my life I'm going to be an interesting person who leads an interesting life.  Why?  It's because I love learning.  I love challenging myself.  The good thing about me?  I don’t sit around whining about how bored I am.  I get off the couch and find something to do and I can't see that changing anytime soon.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch Twilight and eat clinkers on the couch, in my jammies, under my snuggie, with my exfoliating apricot face mask, that is if I can kick the cat....er dog off the couch.