Baby, I swear it's Deja Vu

Déjà moo. Yeah, I know. Bad joke.

But I found myself in a situation that's almost identical to one I was in over 10 years ago.  And for a while I was thinking REALLY? AGAIN?

For about a week I slid down the slope into despair and frustration. And I found myself thinking and reacting the way I would have back then.

But this time around one thing was different. I had people to turn to. They couldn't fix the situation. But they could listen. They let me know that they cared.

Then I realised something else. I'm not the same person I was a decade ago and although my initial reaction was the same I did not ACT on that reaction. I took the time to think, seek support and realise that I'm going to be okay. 

We are family...or are we?

I need to state up front that I love my family.  I do.  They have, for better or worse, helped me to become the person I am today.   In some ways, it's despite them that I am the person I am today.  I have made conscious choices and decisions to live my life the way I do.  They helped me form my moral code.  Sometimes, their beliefs helped me form completely different moral codes from them.  But at the end of the day, these people don't get me and I don't get them.  I am trying to find a way to be okay with this.

Sometimes I'm comfortable with the fact that most of them have different political and social beliefs than me. After all, life would be boring if we were all the same. Sometimes I'm utterly outraged by the different stances they take.

There are conversational topics that I've learnt to avoid because who needs the stress of a family argument?  Sometimes I feel so moved by a topic that I have no choice but to speak my thoughts and then deal with the inevitable fall out.  These times are never good.

I've made life choices which with they disagree. I deal with the passive aggressive comments they throw at me because they don't have the balls to just confront me directly or have a conversation with me to try and understand why I've made the choices I've made.  They're not interested in the why's of my life.  As far as they're concerned I'm wrong, they're right and that's the end of it.  This is frustrating because I'm the type of person that tries to at least understand where the other person is coming from before I decide to live and let live.  I'm not afforded the same respect.  But I've made the choice to let this slide to keep the family peace. Sometimes it frustrates me to the point of screaming.  So I do.  To one or two trusted friends.  For a long time I just assumed this was the pull/push dynamic of families.

But recently, I've seen other families interact on a more intimate scale and I've come to realise that not all families are like mine.  Some actually love, support, understand and celebrate each other.  To me, this is a wondrous gift and one that should be treasured.  I must admit to a little bit of envy as I watch them lovingly tease each other, celebrate each others successes and support each other through the trying times.

It's around Christmas time that I become reflective about my family, because traditionally it's the time you spend with them.   But the people I want to spend time with this year, well it's not really my family.  It's my friends.  The family I've chosen for myself.  The people that I'm NOT related to, that I actually relate to.  It's taken me a while to find them, but boy am I grateful I have.

You can't always get what you want...

And maybe, just maybe that's a good thing.

I'm watching the women around me fall one by one.  I wish I could say falling in love but I can't.  I'm watching their descent into madness.  They are all turning into modern day Ophelia's due to their particular Hamlet's torture.

It's particularly frustrating because they're all intelligent women. But it seems the moment Hamlet turns up spouting To Be Or Not To Be (in a relationship) they all start acting like Helena Bonham-Carter at her most crazy.

Why is this question so hard?  Why does it drive women to the brink? Why do men seem to find the question so difficult?  Surely you either do want to be in one or you don't.  If you do, tell the girl. If you don't, tell the girl.  Trust me.  We can handle that.  It's the dithering back and forth that turns us into over-analytical lunatics.  All we want to know is are you in or out?  It's not difficult at all.

Why are men so scared to say the truth?  I know, from personal experience, that hearing "I don't know what I want" was harder than learning the truth.  Actually, I never heard the truth.  I got tired of what "I don't know what I want" was doing to me.  So after months of hearing that -  I made the decision to end things.  It was hard, there were tears.  But I stood in front of the man I (at that point) still loved and said THIS. IS OVER. I did it because I wanted my sanity back. I wanted my self-respect back.  I wanted me back.

I'm watching three women in my life, all dating "nice" guys.  I've met them.  They're charming. They're intelligent.  They're employed.  They're ambitious. They're fun to be around.  But all of them are running scared and the women are going crazy trying to guess the truth.  I'm currently involved in three separate discussions all titled "What do you think he meant when he said...."

Now I'm not saying the women are right and the men are wrong.  I'm just saying I don't understand the game. To me hearing "I don't know" from a man means "I don't know how to tell you I don't want to be in a relationship but I'm scared you'll make a scene if I say so".

I do know this.  I'm not wasting time on any "I don't knows" because I do know what I want and I intend to have it.  A happy life.

Cat Food and Sad Movies

I find it interesting being a single woman who has just reached her 40s.  Apparently it's all cat food and sad movies for the rest of my life.  When I meet married couples for the first time, it's invariably the woman who susses out my relationship status. Then she, for the most part, (there are some rare exceptions) falls into two categories.


The first category is  'The Women Who Pity'.  These women treat me like I'm some bizarre failure for not being in relationship.  I'm quizzed on my past relationships, current dating habits and future goals for finding a husband so I can be a whole person.  Silly me for thinking I already am.


The Second Category is 'The Women Who Run'.  This is generally the wife who immediately grabs her husband and finds an excuse to no longer talk to me.   Clearly, all I'm waiting for is for the wife to leave the husband in front of the dip plate to make my move.  




Oh yeah, that's right - I'm not.


Most people find it weird that I'm happy being single.  So much so, that I've actually stopped saying it.  I'm either not believed or treated like a bra-burning, extreme, man-hating feminist.  Let me set you straight on that.  I'm not a liar and I don't hate men. So, in a scenario which is quite different from a famous scene in Sex and the City where Miranda comes clean with the simple statement that she's not seeing anybody, I say something else.  I say it would be a wonderful favour if people would keep an eye out for someone suitable.  This charade has the added bonus of letting the insecure wives know I'm not after their husbands and makes 'The Women Who Pity' feel useful.  Possibly one day, it may even have the bonus of helping me to actually meet someone suitable, but as yet, no luck.


Now here's the killer: I would like to be in a relationship.  But that doesn't mean I'm unhappy being single.  I'm not.  There's so much to love about my life and how it is now. So I'm not about to settle for something less than amazing.  There are a lot of theories out there that say I shouldn't wait for Mr Perfect but instead find Mr Acceptable and settle down into something nice and comfortable.  I disagree.That's how I ended up divorced in the first place. Now  I'm not looking for some movie version of perfect romance.  It's just that I have a really great life and I don't see any reason to bring someone that doesn't fit, into that life, just to make others feel more comfortable.   Being single does not equate to being a failure.


You see, I have a job that I truly adore.  I work with people that I admire, respect and enjoy working with.  I actually hate being sick, because I enjoy going to work!  I have an amazing family that I see once a week for family dinner which is filled with stimulating discussions, silly arguments and great food.  I have two great kids that keep me young, teach me, push me, pull me, challenge me and keep me laughing.  I have inspiring friends who support and uplift me.  I have a hobby which takes me out of the house twice a week and keeps me fit. I volunteer in the arts which emotionally and spiritually fills me up.  I have so much love and laughter in my life, at work, at home and at play that when I do find love, (yes I believe it's a when not an if) it will find the right slot and be one more facet of an already uplifting, interesting, fun, giving and amazing life. Wouldn't Oprah be proud?


I’ve been told to go on line and join a dating website. No.  I've been there, done that.  Never again.  I'm sure there are some genuinely nice people on it seeking love, but I didn't have any luck.  More than that, I discovered that I am much more old fashioned and organic than that.  I don't think it's how I'll find someone to love. But to those who do, I wish you the best.  It's just not for me and I'm a firm believer in each to his own. So bless and thumbs up to those for whom it has worked.  Besides I've tried describing my "perfect" partner in one paragraph and at the end it reads like my perfect man is really a gay man, who can talk footy and f*ck women.  I think he's a cross between Kurt and Puck from Glee, with a dash of David from Moonlighting. They're a dime a dozen, aren't they?


My eldest kid is currently learning about stereotypes at school and is busy writing expositions about how stereotypes can damage the society we live in.  I've had to bite my tongue and let him find his own examples.  Although, at times I feel I have neon lights above my head saying 'SINGLE WOMAN IN HER 40S! WATCH OUT! DESPERATION IN PROGRESS!'   It seems that society needs to see me that way in order to feel more comfortable.  After all, each of us has role to play. Apparently.


But if you don't mind I might put off the cat food and sad movies for a few years yet.  I know that my boobs are getting saggier, my arse is definitely closer to the ground than it was 15 years ago, my hangovers seem twice as bad as they used to and I find myself listening to more talkback radio, (the day I talk back it's over) but I don't think I'm ready for the scrap heap just yet.  Being single is just a tiny aspect of my life.  


I'm sure one day a fella's gonna wander into my life, (somehow, someway, lets not stress about the details) we'll bond over our strange love of Sci-Fi and Scrabble and our intense dislike of Naked Gun movies and gardening, find out we can live with each other’s imperfections, love and laugh in the bedroom and decide to give the romance thing a whirl.   But if he doesn't, I still won't resort to becoming crazy cat lady or Miss Havisham. 


I'm pretty sure for the rest of my life I'm going to be an interesting person who leads an interesting life.  Why?  It's because I love learning.  I love challenging myself.  The good thing about me?  I don’t sit around whining about how bored I am.  I get off the couch and find something to do and I can't see that changing anytime soon.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch Twilight and eat clinkers on the couch, in my jammies, under my snuggie, with my exfoliating apricot face mask, that is if I can kick the cat....er dog off the couch.