We are family...or are we?

I need to state up front that I love my family.  I do.  They have, for better or worse, helped me to become the person I am today.   In some ways, it's despite them that I am the person I am today.  I have made conscious choices and decisions to live my life the way I do.  They helped me form my moral code.  Sometimes, their beliefs helped me form completely different moral codes from them.  But at the end of the day, these people don't get me and I don't get them.  I am trying to find a way to be okay with this.

Sometimes I'm comfortable with the fact that most of them have different political and social beliefs than me. After all, life would be boring if we were all the same. Sometimes I'm utterly outraged by the different stances they take.

There are conversational topics that I've learnt to avoid because who needs the stress of a family argument?  Sometimes I feel so moved by a topic that I have no choice but to speak my thoughts and then deal with the inevitable fall out.  These times are never good.

I've made life choices which with they disagree. I deal with the passive aggressive comments they throw at me because they don't have the balls to just confront me directly or have a conversation with me to try and understand why I've made the choices I've made.  They're not interested in the why's of my life.  As far as they're concerned I'm wrong, they're right and that's the end of it.  This is frustrating because I'm the type of person that tries to at least understand where the other person is coming from before I decide to live and let live.  I'm not afforded the same respect.  But I've made the choice to let this slide to keep the family peace. Sometimes it frustrates me to the point of screaming.  So I do.  To one or two trusted friends.  For a long time I just assumed this was the pull/push dynamic of families.

But recently, I've seen other families interact on a more intimate scale and I've come to realise that not all families are like mine.  Some actually love, support, understand and celebrate each other.  To me, this is a wondrous gift and one that should be treasured.  I must admit to a little bit of envy as I watch them lovingly tease each other, celebrate each others successes and support each other through the trying times.

It's around Christmas time that I become reflective about my family, because traditionally it's the time you spend with them.   But the people I want to spend time with this year, well it's not really my family.  It's my friends.  The family I've chosen for myself.  The people that I'm NOT related to, that I actually relate to.  It's taken me a while to find them, but boy am I grateful I have.

Blame it on the Boogie

I'm gonna state right up front that I'm a flawed human being.  I'm prideful, impatient, selfish and frequently mistaken about who won the Melbourne Cup.  But I will stand up and cop it when I'm in the wrong.  I believe in accountability and I will put my hand up and say "Yep. I was wrong there. I lived in Wrong Town on Wrong Street and lived in Wrongness.  My apologies."  I'll also fix what's wrong, if it's fixable.

For a long time I allowed myself to cop the blame for the mistakes of others.   I figured it worked something along the lines of that "turn the other cheek" saying.  But I made myself a promise at the beginning of the year that I would stop doing that, because I make enough mistakes on my own I need to be accountable for without being accountable for others.

So this year I stopped taking the blame for things I did not do.  Excuse me, buddy?  That there, that right there, that wasn't me, so you can stop looking at me like it was, kay?

So here's a list of things I did and didn't do in 2013 so we're all clear:

I did eat all the chocolate biscuits.  I hid them and I ate them all in a fit of rage-eating.  Yep that was me. Gained half a kilo and a bucket of shame, but I ate the damn biscuits.  You got none. Deal with it.

I joined a weight loss group and lost interest at week 10 of the 12 week plan. I like eating cheese (and chocolate biscuits - see above) and watching tv while laying on the couch.  I made a life decision that I will never give up cheese again.  I will try and exercise more - but that will also depend on what awesome shows HBO brings out in 2014.  I'm not gonna lie about this.

I did break up with a friend this year.  Rather than a let a person fade away insignificantly I reached out and told them I was grateful for what they had brought into my life, but our differences in where we were emotionally in our lives meant our relationship was over.  We break up with lovers - why not be respectful of this relationship and end it properly?

I did say yes to one too many things this year and consequently did a shoddy half-arsed job on a theatre program.  I'm ashamed of this.  When you volunteer it should be done with enthusiasm and pride in the job. Thank you for polishing my work, and thank you for giving me an opportunity to do the job again.  I will do it with care this time.

I did bitch about a negative person in my life to a friend earlier in the year.  I didn't talk with them or give them a chance to explain.  I just moaned about it, like a whiny baby, because it was easier than having a difficult talk with someone about their mental illness.  I should have been there to offer support.  I hope I've made up for it in the second half of the year, because I know the negativity spilling out of them was not their choice.

I did yell at my kids.  I got tired, frustrated and mad and I YELLED.  Like the really big voice that makes them cringe and me hate myself afterwards.  Sorry boys.  You know I love your dirty, smelly, loud, bizarre, funny, awesome, stuck-gaming-forever selves.

I did not publicly denigrate an ex.  That is NOT cool and I didn't do it.  I have more class than that.

I did not spread rumours about your relationship.  Sorry, you're not that interesting.

I did not fail in my parental duties because I chose to have a hobby.  Parents are allowed to enjoy their own life.  My children are happy and healthy, and they have reveled in the independence I have given them and they have learnt valuable lessons about dreams, goals and overcoming your fears by watching my example.

I did not say your partner abused you.  Two of your other friends came to me worried about you.  All I did was ask if you were okay.

I did not "put my nose in other people's business".  You brought your business into my house.  You were rude to me and disrepectful.  Since then I've been nothing but polite and friendly to you.  I'm over your fit of pique. Grow up already.

So there you go.  My list of did and did nots.  I'll cop to my own failings and my own mistakes, but I won't cop to yours.  That's the one New Year's resolution I made at the beginning of the year that I did keep.  That one about losing weight and running a half marathon, well, not so much.

World's Most Okayest Mum

So, there's one of those posts going around on facebook at the moment which makes me want fill people's feeds with a facebook rant...oh wait I have a blog for that.

This is what it says "Anyone can call themselves a parent, but a REAL parent puts their children's lives before their own selfish needs and wants".

OH FFS.  GET REAL PEOPLE.  This is just one of those Judgy McJudgster from Judgeville posts that is judgemental and designed to make other people feel bad.  Why do you want to do that?

First of all, by it's very definition a NEED isn't selfish.

I NEED air, water, food, shelter.  How is that selfish and how does that make me a bad parent?

I NEED to work.  I'm a single parent.  If I don't work, I don't get the food, water, shelter part of my first need.  How is that selfish and how does that make me a bad parent?

Oh that's right it's NOT and it DOESN'T.

Secondly, wanting things isn't selfish.  You are ALLOWED to want things.  It doesn't mean you always get them  - but it is NOT bad parenting to want things.

I want a job I love.  I'm lucky I have one.  It's not selfish of me  nor does it make me a bad parent to aim to have this. If you don't currently have this yourself and WANT this for yourself, it doesn't make you a bad parent. You know what it is - it's GOOD.  It teaches your children about determination, hard work and the satisfaction of a job well done.

I want friends in my life.  It's not selfish of me, nor does it make me a bad parent to have them.  I'm lucky.  I have many good friends.  You know what it is - it's GOOD.  It teaches my children that I value different people, with different lives, different experiences and it teaches them that I am a person OUTSIDE of "mum".

I want hobbies in my life.  It's not selfish of me, nor does it make me a bad parent to have them.  I'm lucky.  I have a great hobby.  It's musical theatre.  You know what it is - it's GOOD.  It teaches my children about creative expression, belonging to a team, working together and being part of a community.

I want to live in my own house and be financially secure.  It's not selfish of me, nor does it make me a bad parent.  I have neither.  I'm renting and my job (which I love) is "casual".  I work every day of the week, but I'm a casual employee.  I'm working towards making it full time and I'm saving my hardest to one day have enough to put a deposit on a house.  You know what it is - it's GOOD.  It teaches my kids that you can't always get what you want - but that it's okay to keep trying and it's good to work towards goals.

Do my kids sometimes have to sit in a cafe while I catch up with my friends?  Yes.  They do.  They learn about manners, they learn about appropriate behaviour in social situations, they learn about the give and take of friendships.

Do my  kids sometimes have to attend rehearsals while I'm doing a show?  Yes.  They do.  They learn that chasing dreams does NOT have an age limit.  They learn that being passionate about something in life fills up your emotional cup (so to speak) which then allows you to fill others.

Do my kids sometimes see me scratch my head and get stressed about how to pay the bills?  Do my kids see me budget and say no to things because I can't afford them?  Yes.  They do.  They learn to live within their means.  They learn financial responsibility. They learn money doesn't grow on trees. They learn that you have to earn the money to pay the bills and that sometimes you have to go without.  They learn delayed gratification.

Do I work my arse off to give them the best education I can? Yes.  Do I make sure they have extracurricular activities outside school that they can enjoy?  Yes.  Do I make sure they catch up with friends and family so they can value those relationships? Yes. Do I make sure they are fed, clothed, cleaned and sufficiently rested to stay healthy? Yes.

Do I give my kids everything they want at my expense?  HELL NO.  What the hell would that teach them?  It would give them a sense of entitlement they shouldn't have.  It would teach them that they are the centre of the universe and they're not.  They are two people on a planet with over 7 billion other people.  If I did that I would be raising two of the most selfish, arrogant, egotistical, ill-mannered, boring poopyholes to roam the earth.  THAT'S BAD PARENTING.

I want to raise compassionate, empathetic, reasonable, logical, kind, passionate, loyal, loving, considerate men.  That starts with me showing them about life with all its needs and wants - and I can't do that if I don't have one.

When the dream is over...

I'm a divorced single parent.  It's safe to say I've had a few dreams about my life that have been dashed against the rocks of life.  But it's not the end of dreaming.  It's just that the dream changes.

I've a younger friend.  She's in her early 20s.  She's recently hit an age when she realised the dreams that she had as a teenager for her life, may not be possible.

Remember what it's like to be a teenager?  So assured that by 20 you'll have this career, by 25 you'll have that love life, by 30 you'll be financially secure, life will be firmly established and you'll be living the dream.  I remember being that teenager.  I was going to be a writer.  I was going to be living in California and writing amazing novels that flew off the shelves and straight onto the best seller lists.  I was going to be alone, certainly not married, but dating a never ending stream of men who were as fascinated by me as I was by them, but never, ever, tied down.

Fast forward to age 20 and I was a filing clerk for an accounting firm.  Fast forward to 25 I was married and sitting on the couch on the weekends.  Fast forward to 30 I'm a dumbstruck, sleep deprived parent. Fast forward to 35 I'm a divorced single parent with a mattress, some clothes and a pointless wedding ring to my name and thinking HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?

It wasn't until my marriage ended and I was left with nothing to my name, not a single asset and only the clothes on my back that I was forced out of my stupor and actually started to think about what dreams I had for myself and how I could now achieve them, alone, responsible for two kids and with a nary a penny to call my own.  Well, colour me stupid, but I've always responded best with my back to the wall and the world screaming "You Can't Do That".  One year later, I was back at school stuyding film/tv/radio/multi-media, producing an amateur film, working on local tv as a film reviewer, 20 kilos lighter and loving my crazy, new life.

But one thing I did realise was that even though I did kinda get to where I wanted to get with my new dream, my old dream was over.  My friend however, can still give it a shot.  She's single, not tied down, has supportive parents and supportive friends.  She had big ol' knock down, cry your eyes out vent to me.  How on earth could she be 26 and not be where she expected to be?  How could she still be working part-time and only able to achieve her acting ambitions on the amateur theatre stage?  When did it stall?  When did it falter?  How is she still where she was, when she was 20?

I told her I had the same meltdown moment.  With one glaring difference.  I was 35 and had two kids in tow. I had to change my dream to be able to live it.  She can still get there.  Now it's just up to her to grab it with both hands and don't let the fear take hold.

The upshot is at the end of the meltdown and with a renewed sense of purpose, she and I are going to put our heads together and create our little piece of something special. Hey, maybe it will never be anything other than a document on the computer somewhere.  Maybe it will just be a writing pad with scribbled ideas of the newly excited - but we're both excited about being excited about our lives.

The joy of dreams is - they are just that.  Ever changing, ever evolving, exciting thoughts for our future with an occasional underwear clad talking goat.  I'm so  glad that my old dream died.  I got in the way of my dream, I got in the way of my life for a little while (yep, you read that right, life did not get in my way...let's get that straight!).  But in the end, it was a blessing, because I had to know myself, before I could know what dream was right for me.  Now that I do - I just have to make it happen.  And I'm just the sort of stubborn, arrogant, know it all, organiser from hell who can get it done.

Cat Food and Sad Movies

I find it interesting being a single woman who has just reached her 40s.  Apparently it's all cat food and sad movies for the rest of my life.  When I meet married couples for the first time, it's invariably the woman who susses out my relationship status. Then she, for the most part, (there are some rare exceptions) falls into two categories.


The first category is  'The Women Who Pity'.  These women treat me like I'm some bizarre failure for not being in relationship.  I'm quizzed on my past relationships, current dating habits and future goals for finding a husband so I can be a whole person.  Silly me for thinking I already am.


The Second Category is 'The Women Who Run'.  This is generally the wife who immediately grabs her husband and finds an excuse to no longer talk to me.   Clearly, all I'm waiting for is for the wife to leave the husband in front of the dip plate to make my move.  




Oh yeah, that's right - I'm not.


Most people find it weird that I'm happy being single.  So much so, that I've actually stopped saying it.  I'm either not believed or treated like a bra-burning, extreme, man-hating feminist.  Let me set you straight on that.  I'm not a liar and I don't hate men. So, in a scenario which is quite different from a famous scene in Sex and the City where Miranda comes clean with the simple statement that she's not seeing anybody, I say something else.  I say it would be a wonderful favour if people would keep an eye out for someone suitable.  This charade has the added bonus of letting the insecure wives know I'm not after their husbands and makes 'The Women Who Pity' feel useful.  Possibly one day, it may even have the bonus of helping me to actually meet someone suitable, but as yet, no luck.


Now here's the killer: I would like to be in a relationship.  But that doesn't mean I'm unhappy being single.  I'm not.  There's so much to love about my life and how it is now. So I'm not about to settle for something less than amazing.  There are a lot of theories out there that say I shouldn't wait for Mr Perfect but instead find Mr Acceptable and settle down into something nice and comfortable.  I disagree.That's how I ended up divorced in the first place. Now  I'm not looking for some movie version of perfect romance.  It's just that I have a really great life and I don't see any reason to bring someone that doesn't fit, into that life, just to make others feel more comfortable.   Being single does not equate to being a failure.


You see, I have a job that I truly adore.  I work with people that I admire, respect and enjoy working with.  I actually hate being sick, because I enjoy going to work!  I have an amazing family that I see once a week for family dinner which is filled with stimulating discussions, silly arguments and great food.  I have two great kids that keep me young, teach me, push me, pull me, challenge me and keep me laughing.  I have inspiring friends who support and uplift me.  I have a hobby which takes me out of the house twice a week and keeps me fit. I volunteer in the arts which emotionally and spiritually fills me up.  I have so much love and laughter in my life, at work, at home and at play that when I do find love, (yes I believe it's a when not an if) it will find the right slot and be one more facet of an already uplifting, interesting, fun, giving and amazing life. Wouldn't Oprah be proud?


I’ve been told to go on line and join a dating website. No.  I've been there, done that.  Never again.  I'm sure there are some genuinely nice people on it seeking love, but I didn't have any luck.  More than that, I discovered that I am much more old fashioned and organic than that.  I don't think it's how I'll find someone to love. But to those who do, I wish you the best.  It's just not for me and I'm a firm believer in each to his own. So bless and thumbs up to those for whom it has worked.  Besides I've tried describing my "perfect" partner in one paragraph and at the end it reads like my perfect man is really a gay man, who can talk footy and f*ck women.  I think he's a cross between Kurt and Puck from Glee, with a dash of David from Moonlighting. They're a dime a dozen, aren't they?


My eldest kid is currently learning about stereotypes at school and is busy writing expositions about how stereotypes can damage the society we live in.  I've had to bite my tongue and let him find his own examples.  Although, at times I feel I have neon lights above my head saying 'SINGLE WOMAN IN HER 40S! WATCH OUT! DESPERATION IN PROGRESS!'   It seems that society needs to see me that way in order to feel more comfortable.  After all, each of us has role to play. Apparently.


But if you don't mind I might put off the cat food and sad movies for a few years yet.  I know that my boobs are getting saggier, my arse is definitely closer to the ground than it was 15 years ago, my hangovers seem twice as bad as they used to and I find myself listening to more talkback radio, (the day I talk back it's over) but I don't think I'm ready for the scrap heap just yet.  Being single is just a tiny aspect of my life.  


I'm sure one day a fella's gonna wander into my life, (somehow, someway, lets not stress about the details) we'll bond over our strange love of Sci-Fi and Scrabble and our intense dislike of Naked Gun movies and gardening, find out we can live with each other’s imperfections, love and laugh in the bedroom and decide to give the romance thing a whirl.   But if he doesn't, I still won't resort to becoming crazy cat lady or Miss Havisham. 


I'm pretty sure for the rest of my life I'm going to be an interesting person who leads an interesting life.  Why?  It's because I love learning.  I love challenging myself.  The good thing about me?  I don’t sit around whining about how bored I am.  I get off the couch and find something to do and I can't see that changing anytime soon.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch Twilight and eat clinkers on the couch, in my jammies, under my snuggie, with my exfoliating apricot face mask, that is if I can kick the cat....er dog off the couch.