We are family...or are we?

I need to state up front that I love my family.  I do.  They have, for better or worse, helped me to become the person I am today.   In some ways, it's despite them that I am the person I am today.  I have made conscious choices and decisions to live my life the way I do.  They helped me form my moral code.  Sometimes, their beliefs helped me form completely different moral codes from them.  But at the end of the day, these people don't get me and I don't get them.  I am trying to find a way to be okay with this.

Sometimes I'm comfortable with the fact that most of them have different political and social beliefs than me. After all, life would be boring if we were all the same. Sometimes I'm utterly outraged by the different stances they take.

There are conversational topics that I've learnt to avoid because who needs the stress of a family argument?  Sometimes I feel so moved by a topic that I have no choice but to speak my thoughts and then deal with the inevitable fall out.  These times are never good.

I've made life choices which with they disagree. I deal with the passive aggressive comments they throw at me because they don't have the balls to just confront me directly or have a conversation with me to try and understand why I've made the choices I've made.  They're not interested in the why's of my life.  As far as they're concerned I'm wrong, they're right and that's the end of it.  This is frustrating because I'm the type of person that tries to at least understand where the other person is coming from before I decide to live and let live.  I'm not afforded the same respect.  But I've made the choice to let this slide to keep the family peace. Sometimes it frustrates me to the point of screaming.  So I do.  To one or two trusted friends.  For a long time I just assumed this was the pull/push dynamic of families.

But recently, I've seen other families interact on a more intimate scale and I've come to realise that not all families are like mine.  Some actually love, support, understand and celebrate each other.  To me, this is a wondrous gift and one that should be treasured.  I must admit to a little bit of envy as I watch them lovingly tease each other, celebrate each others successes and support each other through the trying times.

It's around Christmas time that I become reflective about my family, because traditionally it's the time you spend with them.   But the people I want to spend time with this year, well it's not really my family.  It's my friends.  The family I've chosen for myself.  The people that I'm NOT related to, that I actually relate to.  It's taken me a while to find them, but boy am I grateful I have.

Behind Enemy Lines

Christmas is always a difficult holiday.  It involves family.  The stress of a holiday and family together often brings out the worst in people.  It's worse if you're divorced.

My Ex and I have always had a gentlemen's agreement when it comes to Christmas.  We try and make sure that each year one of us has breakfast and lunch with the kidlets and the other late afternoon and dinner.  There's always arguments.

Both sides of the family end up unhappy.  Each family feels hard done by.  Each family feels the other gets the better deal.  Each family thinks the other parent is the "grinch who stole Christmas" from them.

I'm here to say otherwise.  As a person - one of the values I hold highest is family.  Therefore I couldn't hurt my childrens "other" family.  I wouldn't be able to live with myself if my motive was to hurt them, because by hurting them -  I hurt my kids.  I didn't suffer through 9 months of morning sickness and truly horrendous labours to inflict pain on to my kids.

Each family involved in this Christmas dispute has their own perspective.  One side believes the other is hardly involved in the kids life so don't deserve them on this special holiday.  One side believes the kids are monopolised by the other side and therefore never get a look in.

I'm stuck in the middle.  I believe my kids should be able to see both sides of the family.  I believe it takes cooperation and understanding.  I believe clear enough communication early on means it's possible to keep everyone happy.  Unfortunately not everyone shares this view.  And this is when avoidable situations and arguments occur.

The reality is that divorce is painful. The reality is that no person is evil. The reality is that everyone at some stage misses out on important stuff that a "traditional, nuclear" family probably don't miss out on.

The reality is that a divorced family and the extended families involved will never be "complete".  It sucks.  It sucks most of all for the kids who love everybody and shouldn't be shamed or guilted into feeling that one side of the family is better than the other.

The worst part in all this drama is that it's so far from the spirit of Christmas that this time of year does nothing for me except cause extreme anxiety and heartache.  What was once my favourite holiday in the whole world  is now something ugly and spiteful laced with emotional manipulation and name calling.  I now just long for Christmas to be over so it can be put behind me.

I hope to god that the anxiety and heartache I feel is well hidden from my kidlets, because I want them to enjoy this day.  I want them to grow up with same sense of excitement and wonder I always felt - even as an adult.  It's been 7 years since I've enjoyed Christmas and I hope to one day enjoy it again.

I'd like to feel "peace on earth and mercy mild",  with "God and sinners reconciled".

So this Christmas, please, remember to be grateful for your family - no matter how erratic, hare-brained, annoying, loud, patronising or obnoxious they may be.  Because - trust me - you don't want to be dealing with your ex-family, arguing over who gets to spend Christmas with the kids.