Fabulous is as fabulous does

So I'm invited (luckily and thankfully - I'm not complaining) to a lot of do's where everyone is married, or at the very least "coupled up".  Recently at a party hosted by friends by SHE and HE, I walked into the room and immediately realised there were three separate parties happening in one place. 

HIS in one corner, HERS in the other and THEIRS near the bar and never the twain shall meet.  The thing is, having known HER for over 20 years and HIM for at least 10, I knew everyone in the room. I had that moment when I realised the great thing about being ONE (instead of DUO/TWO/COUPLE) was the fact that I could talk to HIS, HERS and THEIRS without incurring the wrath of any significant OTHER.  Now not all OTHERS are wrathful, but having been a TWO once upon a time, I am aware that more often than not at the end of a social event, there are words to be had, problems to be solved, apologies to be made and all over, what seems to me, the art of being social.

I honestly believe at the end of this particular event, I had the most fun out of all the attendees.

 You see HERS congregated together, the husbands hovering close so as not to incur the wrath of wives later on, the wives forming a close knit circle of "keep away from us" (really meaning keep away from my man).  HIS were mainly blokes who stood around talking footy, drinking beer and telling off jokes and THEIRS in yet another circle talking THEIR hobbies (insert every bad renovation story you've ever had the misfortune to listen to).

Now, because I'm unattached and have been invited to functions of just HERS and because I like sport and beer I often hang around HIS and because I'm a great friend I get invited to tag along with THEIRS, I'm friends with everybody and realise this is all because I'm SINGLE.  This phenonmenon wouldn't have occured had I been COUPLED.

I got to catch up with HERS and talk school/kids/jobs.  I got to laugh at funny jokes and talk footy with HIS.  I got to share political views and talk a variety of subjects with THEIR (once I steered the conversation away from renovations).  I can honestly say that at the end of the night, I had mingled the most, made new friends and had the best time out of all the people there, with no post party recriminations from an angry/ignored/insecure partner.

I also had the line most single people...no scratch that...single women hear whenever they are out: "But you're so FABULOUS...how can you be single?"  Well, the answer is simple.  As a single women, I am, in some ways, forced constantly out of my comfort zone (please note not all single women do this) and go to different venues, explore new options, create new experiences, have a wide circle of friends and generally get out of the house a lot.  I've noticed (and yes to a degree I generalise) that when coupled up, the tendency is to become insular, close the circle of friends, stick to safe activities designed to avoid arguments in the car later on and get super, nice and comfy in a predictable routine (not that there's anything wrong with that). 

I just wish COUPLES would realise when they say "but you're so fabulous" that in a way it's like them saying "you can only be fabulous if you're in a couple and we're amazed you're not one of us".  I have to be honest, with the exception of a few of my COUPLED friends, most COUPLES I meet are fairly predictable because they hit the comfort zone and stay there.  But the single people I meet? Well aside from one or two, most of the ones I've met are truly amazing.  They are out chasing dreams, goals, broadening horizons, travelling, open to trying new things and ready to go with the flow.  They have a variety of interests, hobbies that extend beyond their kids, their renovations and the latest dvd they watched.  Granted this is often because they haven't found the one that will keep them on the couch watching a DVD they spent 20 minutes arguing over...oops I mean choosing.  It can be too easy to fall into a safe routine that keeps everyone from arguing.

This has recently happened to another friend of mine who is in the throws of a relatively recent relationship.  She doesn't go out much anymore, they tend to only see the friends both of them like, watch safe movies and occasionally go out to dinner with other couples.  This is because they fight if they go out.  She has told me this.  If they go to a pub he gets in trouble for checking out the pretty young things in short dresses. However it's okay for her to look at the male pretty young things because that's not sexist.  They don't hang around her single friends because he ignores her in an effort to get along with her friends.  They don't hang out with his single friends, because they are beer drinking pigs and he changes when he's around them.  He doesn't like her movie choices, she doesn't like the footy club.  He doesn't like a couple of her girlfriends, she doesn't like the couples that were friends with his ex-wife.  They are all boring housewives according to her (never mind she's slowly morphing into this as we speak).  Now there's nothing wrong with becoming that if that's your choice - but don't whine to me about how boring these women are while turning into one.

Now I'm not anti-marriage/happy couples, nor am I ragingly pro-single.  I do have a couple of issues though.  Why do a lot of single people who push boundaries, get out of comfort zones, who live life to the full decide it's okay to give this away the moment a romance becomes a priority?  Why can't you combine both?  Why can't you live an exciting life and be happily ensconced with the one you love?  I don't see why this needs to be mutually exclusive.  Isn't the reason you fell in love with the other person in the first place because of all the things they did/do/enjoy?  At exactly which point does the fabulously interesting person become a threat to a couples happiness?  Why does it become okay to settle for less than amazing?  Why are there arguments over all the great things that attracted you in the first place?  I've been single long enough to know that I will struggle with any person who will want me to quit the things I love, and stop being the person I've become in order for them to be comfortable on the couch.  I need someone who's going to be excited about coming on the journey I'm on.  I know I'm going to be excited about being their travel partner on their journey.

So please, remember, you're not fabulous because you're married or single.  Fabulous is as fabulous does.

Secret Diary of a Nun

 I'm going to completely over-share. I haven't had sex in three years. I think my hymen is growing back.  This is not for lack of trying, let me add.  But neither am I a slut.  I'm a 40 year old divorcee who had her heart ripped to shreds.  Every time a man shows the slightest interest in me, I run.  I then go home and berate myself because I can't run for shit.  If I try to run across the road to where my car is parked, I  have to stop to catch my breath.  If I run to go to the loo, I wind up doing that weird walk any woman who's had kids knows only too well.  If  I  run to the shops, I break into a sweat.  But at running AWAY from men, I'm a marathon sprinter.  Yes I know technically it's one or other but you get my drift, right?

Friends tells me I am a vital, sexy, confident woman and if I want to have meaningless sex with someone, then no one gets to judge me.   But you know what?  Here's the awful truth. I don't want meaningless sex.  I want meaningful sex.  I want the whole shebang.  I want the kisses that make my heart and soul race - not just my libido.  I want that moment of comfort and trust when I take off my clothes and present my absolutely not top model body to the man I'm with and still see desire in his eyes. How very old fashioned and buttoned up of me.

ROCKMEHARDPLACE: because I'm a passionate woman and I really miss physical intimacy. But I need a boyfriend first and apparently there's no stock available.  I'm doing all the right things.  I get out among the people.  I'm fun, easy going and I'm myself. Oh wait, isn't everyone?  I don't play games and all the MARRIED men I meet think I'm awesome.  Single men seem to fall into two categories around me for some reason.  The ones that stare shyly across a room but never come over to say hi (even if I do give off the Cleo-inspired appropriate signals all men who read Cleo are supposed to understand) and the ones who see me as a MATE.  GAH! Damn me and my knowledge of Australian Rules Football.

So in the meantime, I stay home and watch True Blood and the Tudors to get my "romance" fix.  This involves me holding my breath and clutching the couch pillows a lot.  In all seriousness, I watched Jonathon Rhys-Meyers look at one of the court ladies and slowly and quite chastely kiss her hand and it was a white knuckle moment for me.   I sat on the couch and watched True Blood with my obligatory Australian version of Stanford Blatch and both of us had that brief moment of "should we?" For the record, we didn't. For many reasons, but most of all because we both want the meaningful relationship and because we value our friendship too much to mess it up. 

So I'll continue to go to bed and grind my teeth (hey, keep your mind out of the gutter thanks) and pray to the Universe, God, Buddha, Jesus, Mother Earth and whoever else may be listening that they will send me a man who likes Star Trek, football, Mozart, Muse, Foo Fighters, jigsaw puzzles, fancy dress parties, spontaneous home discos, Tim Tam Slams, Bruce Willis movies, Shakespeare, super hot Thai food, long lunches at the pub and thinks it endearing when I sing off-key after too much red wine .  Cos I'd like to lose my virginity again. Soon.