I need to state up front that I love my family. I do. They have, for better or worse, helped me to become the person I am today. In some ways, it's despite them that I am the person I am today. I have made conscious choices and decisions to live my life the way I do. They helped me form my moral code. Sometimes, their beliefs helped me form completely different moral codes from them. But at the end of the day, these people don't get me and I don't get them. I am trying to find a way to be okay with this.
Sometimes I'm comfortable with the fact that most of them have different political and social beliefs than me. After all, life would be boring if we were all the same. Sometimes I'm utterly outraged by the different stances they take.
There are conversational topics that I've learnt to avoid because who needs the stress of a family argument? Sometimes I feel so moved by a topic that I have no choice but to speak my thoughts and then deal with the inevitable fall out. These times are never good.
I've made life choices which with they disagree. I deal with the passive aggressive comments they throw at me because they don't have the balls to just confront me directly or have a conversation with me to try and understand why I've made the choices I've made. They're not interested in the why's of my life. As far as they're concerned I'm wrong, they're right and that's the end of it. This is frustrating because I'm the type of person that tries to at least understand where the other person is coming from before I decide to live and let live. I'm not afforded the same respect. But I've made the choice to let this slide to keep the family peace. Sometimes it frustrates me to the point of screaming. So I do. To one or two trusted friends. For a long time I just assumed this was the pull/push dynamic of families.
But recently, I've seen other families interact on a more intimate scale and I've come to realise that not all families are like mine. Some actually love, support, understand and celebrate each other. To me, this is a wondrous gift and one that should be treasured. I must admit to a little bit of envy as I watch them lovingly tease each other, celebrate each others successes and support each other through the trying times.
It's around Christmas time that I become reflective about my family, because traditionally it's the time you spend with them. But the people I want to spend time with this year, well it's not really my family. It's my friends. The family I've chosen for myself. The people that I'm NOT related to, that I actually relate to. It's taken me a while to find them, but boy am I grateful I have.
