Time and time again

I was once told by a male friend that I was 'too strong'.  I asked him to clarify.  "You come across as too capable".

I was honestly flabbergasted.

So this is my problem.  I am capable, smart, independent and opinionated.  This doesn't make me an emotionless automaton.  But the few times I have tried to open up to people about how the stresses of life were/are getting me down, taking its toll on me, I get met with 'oh but you'll be fine, you're strong, capable and smart.

SIGH.

Why do I only have to be one or other?  Why can't I be both.  Sometimes I need someone to lean on, albeit temporarily, until I've regained my strength, energy and enthusiasm.

Right now I'm tired.  Tired of the outrage, tired of the hate, tired of the fear that the world seems to pump out relentlessly.  I'm tired of single parenting and bearing the burden alone.  I'm tired of doing 90% of the housework, tired of being 100% financially responsible for everyone, tired of  being overlooked, tired of my goodwill and good nature being taken for granted, tired of the skills I want to nurture being overlooked.

I'm tired, I'm whiny and I just want to cocoon myself away from the world until my energy returns.

But I can't.  Because there is no one else to do all the things a single parent has to do.  There's no one else to shoulder the emotional burden, the financial burden and there's no one to even celebrate the good things with.  I get to do it all on my own.

Today, I'm tired of that.  But I can't share that because I'm too capable.

Can you go Another Round?

I haven't blogged in ages.  Partly because life has been busy and partly because I haven't felt the need to share.

But I've been in my head a lot lately and that's not a good thing.  The above quote is quite relevant to me right now and I've been guilty of doing it.  But I know I'm learning, because instead of truly distancing myself and losing the people that matter - I actually spoke to them and explained how I was feeling.  (Well it was one person actually...)

Anyway, it turns out that they too have been struggling with anxiety, and feeling it in a different way, and dealing with it in a different way.

I am surrounded by people all the time - yet feel isolated and alone.  They feel like they're surrounded all the time and emotionally crowded - even when they're not.  I was deliberately creating distance when what I needed was connection.  They were unable to disconnect when they needed distance.

I don't think many people would have even realised that we were/are struggling with anxiety as we both have excellent game faces.  In fact, although I knew something was "off" between us, I couldn't place my finger on what.  So I'm glad that I pushed past my anxiety and burgeoning paranoia and bluntly asked if everything was okay between us.  Now we understand each other better, can support each other how we need to and have taken care of our friendship.