Survivor

I have a sunny disposition.  I'm a positive person.  I like to be light hearted and irreverent.  Sometimes people think that's all there is to me.  They don't see the intelligence or sensitivity behind the cheek.  For the most part I'm okay with that.  But today, I'm not.  I'm not okay with people thinking I'm dumb and insensitive.

I'm relatively open about what happens in my life because I like my life and I have no shame, regrets or embarrassment about how I choose to live.  Because for a long time I didn't choose how I lived, it was chosen for me.

There is a reason for that.  I'm a survivor of abuse.  I don't share that often and even today I'm not going to talk about the abuse because it's not how I define myself.  But the abuse has left an indelible stamp on me and that's what I want to talk about today.

To survive in a relationship where you don't know what is going to set off the abuse you learn to read people's body language very well.  Extraordinarily well.  You have to.  Because you have to read the warning signs.  I can read micro expressions incredibly well and I'm hyper aware of people all the time.  It's now bordering on an instinctual behaviour with me.

This makes me highly anxious.  If I walk into a situation where things are tense my flight or fight instinct goes into overdrive.  Even when the tension has nothing to do with me whatsoever.  I've learnt to hide that anxiety when in public.  It hits me a lot at home where I feel safe and I can allow the panic to win for a little while.  I also know how to come out of that panic and deal with it, thanks to counselling.

Because I feel like the abuse pretty much trained me to observe what was going on around me at all times and be ready to quickly deal with what was coming, I read micro expressions at a glance. This means, more often that not, I can sense what people are hiding and/or truly feeling.  I'm privy to a lot of secrets people aren't even aware that they've shared with me.  Oh I'm not talking great details. I'm not psychic. But I can pick a hidden emotion at 20 paces. Ninety percent of the time I ignore what I see.  Not because I don't care, but because it has nothing to do with me.  I'll only act or react if I think the person or situation requires it and even then I'll often think about it and try to think ahead of ways the situation will pan out should I say something.

It almost means it's almost impossible to lie to me.  This is a great thing as a parent.  My kids can't get away with anything and they know it.  So they don't even try.  This is not a great thing as a member of the human race, because people lie a lot.  Most of them badly.   Kind, little white lies, no big deal.  Compassion and kindness more often that not are the drivers of this behaviour and if we can make the world a little more kind and allow people to save face, then I'm all for it.  But sometimes the lies are cruel, mean and plain stupid and those times I don't understand and it perplexes me.  I'm often shocked by it.  The fact I still get shocked, shocks me, because it happens often.  I'll never get used to it.  I guess I'll never be a cynical person, no matter how hard I try.  This is a good thing.

I've been planning this post for quite a while and even now I'm not sure how to end it or what purpose it's supposed to serve.  I just knew I had to write it.  I guess I'm learning how to be more vulnerable and this is a step in that process.  There's more to me than silly banter.

There's more to a lot of people if you just take the time to notice.