RU OK?

I don't have depression. I don't have anxiety. I don't have any form of mental health issues. I don't have any physical health issues. I have a roof over my head, a job, both my parents, and two great kids.  I have friends that love me and a hobby that sustains me.  Just for today, I am not okay.

I am tired.  I am weary.  I am exhausted. I am alone.

As a single parent all the emotional, physical, and financial burden falls to me.  I chose to have kids. I love my kids. I did not choose to do this alone.  But alone I am.  I'm tired.  My shoulders are heavy.

As a full time working parent I juggle guilt on sides.  Guilt I don't give enough at work. Guilt I don't give enough at home.  Wanting to work more hours to make the money situation less stressful, not actually having any more hours in a week to actually do this.  I'm tired.  My mind is a blur.  Sleep does not come easy at night.

As a single woman that has her kids 80 per cent of the time I haven't yet found someone special. It's not that I don't get out.  That 48 hours once a fortnight I don't have my kids, I am out and about.  I'm out running the errands I can't do when they're with me.  I lunch with friends.  I see amateur theatre productions, go to movies, rent DVDs, hang out with friends, who give me dinner in return for me making dessert.  I walk my dog, I have coffee, I laugh.  I have wonderful friends that I spend hours laughing with.  They sustain me, inspire me, challenge me, accept me and love me.  But I have no one special to curl up on the couch with to share the good times or the not so good times when I want to share them.  I'm tired. I'm alone.

This feels like belly-aching when I look around me and see people fighting depression, people struggling with anxiety, people trying to knock cancer on it's butt.  People who lost their parents too young.  People estranged from their children.  People who, in general have it a lot, lot worse than I do.  I know I've got it ridiculously easy compared to most.  So I feel like it's entirely reasonable for others to tell me to suck eggs and be grateful for what I've got.     I am tired. I feel guilty for feeling this way.

But today I just want to drop my bundle at someone else's feet and give my shoulders a rest.  Because I've been doing this alone for 10 years and I just want a break, a minute, an hour to hand it all over to someone else temporarily, until I feel able to pick it all up and carry it again.  Because I can. Because I will.  Because I will be okay. Tomorrow. I am strong.